Breaking the Rules

As a lawyer, I love the rules. I treasure them. Good rules, a.k.a. good law, make for good order. They're great because everyone knows what is and what isn't okay. They usually make life easier, but sometimes they can also stress a person out, especially when it comes to areas that don't always operate in nice, neat little dimensions. Love is such an example. 

When it came to my dating life, I had a set of rules that I had collected and formulated over the years from different dating books that I'd read. Most of the time, they worked. Obviously, however, they didn't work completely because, well, I'm still single and in my thirties. Some people could say, well it's because you haven't met the right guy yet. Well, duh, I'm not going to marry the first yutz I come across. When it came to selecting my next guy, I had a list of criteria that I wanted. 

Over time, the list became longer and longer. It reached a point where I thought, who gives a shit about the rest of this stuff? Is it really necessary? 

So I narrowed my list of 30 things to a simple 6. 

Here's my list: 

(1) The guy needs to be a professional. I need a man with a good career and a steady job. I'm a lawyer, but I don't plan on becoming a sugar mama. If I wanted a baby, I'd go to a fertility clinic and get myself impregnated. 

(2) The guy needs to be within my age range. I don't see myself dating a 21-year-old. 

(3) The guy needs to have a good set of values and beliefs that are similar to mine. If he's out every night at the strip club, or if he's going to be scoffing at Catholicism every 5 minutes, or if he's a xenophobe, he's not my type. End of story. There's just no negotiation here. 

(4) The guy needs to accept me as I am, whether I'm 5 pounds overweight, or Catholic, or whatever. He can't ask me to change. If he's trying to change me, he's not for me. 

(5) The guy needs to be caring and reciprocal of my feelings. He needs to be the type to make me feel good about myself, even when I feel like a hot mess. 

(6) I need to feel attracted to him. He doesn't need to be Tom Cruise or Mr. McDreamy, but I need to want to jump his bones. He doesn't need to be the hottest guy in the world or the most muscular, but I need to find him attractive. This actually goes without saying. 

In the past, I would've only gone for a guy who was super built, or very very tall. I certainly never would've dated a guy who was only now switching careers. 

Yet, I find myself dating a guy who is my height, who isn't super muscular, who is switching careers. I normally never would have looked twice at this guy, but when I started talking to him and giving him a chance, he started to win me over a little. One date turned into two, and here I am a month later. 

Don't get it twisted - I don't know if this is the "forever" guy. I'm just taking things slowly and seeing where they go. The bottom line about all of this is maybe, sometimes, you just need to stop making things difficult for yourself. Maybe, when you let go, you'll meet somebody very nice who makes you feel pretty and valued. Maybe you'll meet someone who likes you for you, and respects you and everything you've built for yourself. He respects your thoughts, your feelings, and your opinions. He accepts you as you are, and not what he wants you to be. 

I think the hardest part about dating someone new now, after being single for three years, is letting myself open up. After all the hard betrayals I've had over the years from ex's - from my latest ex who was abusive and was cheating, to another who cheated on me, to another who wanted me to change who I was at my core, it's been tough for me to say, "Okay, I'll give this another shot." Not just that, but the betrayals I've had recently from a bunch of "friends" (and I use this term loosely) from my old job who acted like they would have my back only to turn on me as soon as the wind changed haven't made me exactly willing to open my arms to new people. 

I still have faith to move forward. That's the foundation for all of this. It's why the six criteria I've laid out were forged. I have faith to move forward, to break all the old rules and allow myself to meet someone new. Love doesn't need to be so difficult. 

The final barrier is the one I built around my heart. I might let people up to the gate, but it'll be a while before I let them in to the inner sanctum of my heart. 

All things take time, but break some needless rules to let that time begin.

photo credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/432416001697850789

I'm back! And with a whole lot of changes

photo credit: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/top-10-reasons-why-you-need-switch-new-job-now-greg-brown

In my last post, I let you know that I was taking some time off for myself because I wasn't happy. 

It was more than being unhappy. I was in absolute misery. 

Imagine being 32 years old. You're single. You're in a job that is so full of bureaucracy and bull shit that you're disgusted on a daily basis. You don't feel like you're growing in your career. You're surrounded by a lot of fake people. Your job eats up so much of your time that you barely have time to look for a new one. 

So what do you do? 

You quit. 

That's right. I quit my job. Literally. I walked. I jumped out of the plane and I had no idea what color my parachute was. 

I'll never forget how I felt when I walked out of that building after I quit. It was the best feeling of relief. I was now free to shape myself in the all-American pursuit of happiness. 

The following day, my office announced my departure in an email. My cell phone became flooded with messages from people asking why I left. I hadn't really told anybody what I was feeling. Some people took it personally and felt offended that I didn't say anything to them. Others wanted to see how I was doing. Then there were the gossips - those who barely said two words to me while I was there, and suddenly were interested in knowing all about me. They just wanted intel to go back and feed back to their gossip lines. Remember what I said before? Lawyers love three things: alcohol, sex, and gossip. 

I didn't want to respond to anybody. So I didn't. This period was going to be all about me, without anyone questioning me, without anyone offering me unsolicited advice, without any negativity. My life was about to go on a wild reset. 

My new full-time job was deciding what job I wanted and how to get it. I went about researching, asking questions of people in the field, and applying to jobs that I wanted. After a month, I got an offer with a start date a few weeks later. 

I've been at my new job for a while now, and it's much better pay, much less stress, and my co-workers are fabulous. I'm learning new things, meeting new people, and I'm excited about the future.

Not everyone from my old life decided to walk with me into my new life. A lot of people, for whatever reason, stopped talking to me. Part of me wonders if it was because of politics. In my area of the world, there's been some campaigning occurring, and people are taking sides. One of the candidates was someone I worked with and remained friends with. A lot of people didn't like that, so they dropped me. Unfortunately for them, I am fresh out of f*cks to give. 

My work life isn't the only thing that's changed. 

The love department has been cooking up a storm. 

After I got more settled in at my job, I decided to start dating again. I've met someone that I really like. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I think this can really go somewhere. We'll see where things go. 

There's something to be said for taking control of your own destiny. I got stuck in this mentality that I couldn't move forward, that this was the life I was condemned to live. One day, while I was out running, I thought, Why? Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I break these chains? 

I did what nobody was expecting. I broke the chains. I left behind the negativity. I cut out every single person and voice that was holding me back or who made me feel bad about myself. I was sick of it. I was sick of all of it. I moved forward. 

And guess what? 

I'm not looking back.