I'm pretty sure I had the shortest date in dating history, at least in my dating history. A grand total of 10 minutes was all it took for me to deliver a giant go f* yourself to a guy and walk right out.
Yes, you read that correctly - I walked out of the date.
Here's the back story. I met this guy off Bumble. He was age 37. Fit. Sandy blonde hair. Blue eyes. Tall. Active. Muscles to die for. You get the picture. He was pretty hot. We started chatting on the app. Eventually, we exchanged phone numbers and texted back and forth. After a couple of weeks of texting, we decided to meet in person. He chose a local restaurant that was a pretty nice place.
He got to the restaurant 10 minutes earlier than our meet time, which I liked because it showed that he cared. Little did I know what was in store for me. When I got to the restaurant, I looked around for him in the bar area. Where is this guy? So I texted him. I then saw a man in a ball cap look up and wave at me.
When I got close to him, I realized that my cute 37-year-old date had aged about 10 years and didn't look like the pictures at all. What the hell! I thought. There is no way that this guy is in his 30s. No freaking way.
He got up from his stool and greeted me as "Counselor." What the f*! We are not in court and I am not your freaking lawyer. I hate it when people call me Counselor if they're not judges. It's so irritating. It makes me feel like I'm at work.
We started chatting. As he spoke, I studied his face and concluded that either this man had been baking in the sun since birth or he had lied about his age to me. I decided to confirm the latter theory.
"So your profile says you're 37?"
"Actually I changed it to 39, but I'm really 45."
"45? Did you tell me you were 45 before today?"
"No, but age is just a number, and I'm not attracted to women in their 40s. I don't feel 45, and you know, those filters on Bumble, they hinder what I'm looking for. Besides, you never asked me what my real age is."
Age is just a number? Yeah right. And jail is just a room. And why did this nut think that I needed to ask what his age was? It's on the profile! Lying is a thing now?
At this point, I decided that I needed to figure things out and fast. What am I going to do? Do I sit and small talk my way through a beer, or do I cut to the chase and get out of dodge?
I decided to try to small talk my way out of the date, very awkwardly. He ordered a second beer.
Really, dude? You thought this date was going well enough that you decided to order a second beer?
I decided to go to a fool-proof area for the white, American male: the Superbowl. I asked him if he was ready for the Big Game.
"I didn't really think about it. Who is playing this year?"
Yes, you read that correctly. This man was actually asking me who was playing in the Big Game.
"You seriously don't know?"
"Well, um, I think it's Philadelphia and New England, right?"
"Yes - you really didn't know?"
"I'm a Packers fan."
"So you're not cheering against the Pats? Doesn't everybody hate the Pats?"
Then he got on an elaborate explanation about Tom Brady, Belichick, and Robert Kraft, and how much he admired each of these men. I thought he was ready to get on his knees and pleasure them the way he was talking about them. Then he called Kraft a "stand-up guy, a real class act."
"I disagree with that."
"Why?"
"Well, I told you I was Palestinian. Kraft is anti-Palestinian."
"What does that mean?"
I then gave a brief explanation of why Israel's ethnic cleansing of Palestinians is a problem for me; shockingly, this is beyond a lot of people's common sense.
He replied, "Oh this is getting into politics. Can we just stick to the basics?" I was irritated. Not only did this guy not give a crap about a human rights issue that directly affected my ethnicity, but he was an ass to think that the basics didn't include simple things like what his true age was.
"You mean, like what your real age is?" I decided to stop playing nice. I was going to end this date. "I'm not going to act like everything is okay right now. I'm going to be honest with you - I'm really turned off that you lied about your age. If I wanted a 45-year-old, I would have set my searches for men in their 40s. I don't want to date someone who has a significant age difference."
He looked miffed. "Well, I was hoping we could be friends. I wasn't attracted to you." I laughed.
"Oh really? Please. And we will not be friends - I'm not friends with men who are so desperate that they lie about their age."
At that moment, I took a final sip of my drink, picked up my purse, and walked out the door.
All in the span of 10 minutes. How's that for a number.
Age is just a number the same way that jail is just a room. You can pretend all you want, but it is what it is.
photo credit: https://me.me/i/age-is-just-a-number-yeah-and-jail-is-just-4044574
