Single and No Mingle

It's been a long two weeks. Lately, I find that I've become content being single. Bumble hasn't really done much to improve my dating hopes, especially considering these yahoos. Observe: 

"Let me act like I'm some cool guy in conversation who is sitting around in a speedo so you can see how small my dick is." 

"I can't get real pictures of myself so let me just take selfies in the mirror of me making different facial expressions." 

"I can't afford to get my hair cut or even put on real clothes. Let me try to make you think I'm sexy by sticking my tongue out like Miley Cyrus." 

They all make me want to gag. 

I did meet one decent guy from Bumble, though. I went on a date earlier this week with a really nice guy named "John." John is a Southern boy with city flair. He's not a redneck, but he sounds a little bit like one. He does compliance checks to make sure that construction companies and their corresponding construction sites aren't violating federal safety laws. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? 

We met for drinks at an upscale bar. Things were going well. We were enjoying each other's company and exchanging laughs. As we consumed our drinks, I noticed something strikingly familiar about the bartender. I couldn't quite place it, but then it hit me. She was the fiancée of one of my ex's friends. I played it cool. 

We moved from drinks to having dinner at a Japanese restaurant. At the sushi bar, we ran into another friend of mine who was also on a date. Unlike me, he was no longer single and was out with his girlfriend. We exchanged some banter. One thing concerned me about John during the dinner portion - he seemed to need to go to the bathroom a LOT. I don't know if he had the urge to pee, but we hadn't been drinking much, and I'd never seen someone go that many times in the span of one hour. 

During one of John's bathroom breaks, my male friend said to me that he approved. I said to him, "Are you sure? Because you approved the last one and he turned out to be shitty!" My friend looked mortified. I thought it was because he was feeling guilty. I then realized that, at the precise moment the words came out of my mouth, John was standing right behind me. I was mortified, too! 

After dinner, John and I started walking back to our cars. I was a little antsy about getting home because I was supposed to start a trial the next day. Our short drink meeting had turned into a two-hour rendezvous that I hadn't anticipated. He wanted to sit and chat some more. After about five minutes of chatter, I let him know that it was time for this little lawyer to get home. 

As we walked to our car, I noticed someone who looked very familiar. I turned my head to get a better look until I realized that another ghost from my old life appeared - one of my ex's friends! He was there, at the bar outside, where I saw his fiancée. I turned my head, ignored him, and kept walking with John. 

John walked me to my car, hugged me goodnight, and said we'd go out again on the weekend. Since this date, John has been texting and calling me every day. 

John is a great guy, but when I first met him in person, I didn't feel that "spark." I didn't feel that sudden attraction for him like I did for my ex. It's not that I want my ex back - but I want that chemistry. When I look at my boyfriend, I want the feeling that I want to jump his bones all the time. I didn't get that feeling with John. I'll go out with him a few more times to see how things develop, though. It could be that the attraction needs to build. 

I think the other reason I'm partially turned off is because of all the phone calls and texting. It's not that I mind. In fact, I want a guy to call me and text me. I think I'm having an allergic reaction to it because I've been on my own for almost two years now. I've learned how to be alone. I've also learned to love being alone. I like my freedom. I like not worrying about another person. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want, or without anyone. It's all me. 

I know all of this sounds selfish, but remember the hell of a relationship I survived. I wouldn't say that my ex and I had the worst relationship in the world, but it certainly wasn't healthy. 

Being single again was rough because it meant learning to be on my own again. I know how to be alone again, and, frankly, I love it. I love myself. 

Someone once told me that the most important relationship you'll ever have after God is the one you have with yourself. It took me a while to understand what this meant. 

I think now I'm in a position where if the right man arrives in my life, I'll be ready to welcome him. Before I can love someone, I needed to learn how to love myself again. Loving myself is how I receive the ability to love other people. If I can't love myself, how can I love someone else? I needed this time alone. 

If I'm supposed to love again, I think I'm just about ready.