Negativity

Have you ever noticed that whenever you come across some happiness in love, there's always those people who want to crap all over it? You know who I'm talking about - the people who want to criticize, tell you why you need to be careful, tell you why you should keep your "options open" even though you're in a committed relationship, and tell you why things aren't what they seem to you.

This is negativity. All of those criticisms aren't cautious advice. It's not someone being a friend. It's that "friend" being a hater.

This past weekend, I was away for business and spent time with two different friends of mine who exhibited this negative behavior. When I came home, I had to wash the stink of their negativity off me. I'll call them "Dina" and "Alexa."

Dina is a few years older than me. She was a law school classmate. After telling her about my newest love interest, she started to rain down with unwelcome advice on me. I politely, but sternly, told her that when I want her advice, I'll ask for it. She apologized and changed her tune the following day, but the rest of the weekend was still filled with negativity towards relationships in general.

Dina had gone through a divorce years prior. It was clear that the divorce still affected her. Dina had a warped view of men. According to her, they are all cheaters, liars, and thieves in relationships. Men, according to Dina, are not to be trusted. Relationships are shams. She claims to be too busy for a relationship. She never goes out. She never dates, because she never knows when the person she is dating will turn into someone that might become relevant to a case of hers. "I never shit where I eat!" she would proudly proclaim to me. My response to her was that she was shutting herself out of an entire world of possibilities and putting a block on her heart. Dina constantly talked about work - the lawyers she has gone against, her cases, her trials. I commend her for her professional achievements, but beyond her small county, nobody knows who she is or these lawyers she's gone against. Dina is not Johnnie Cochran, but in her mind she is, and every client of hers is OJ Simpson. In her mind, she is the quintessential woman lawyer to ever have lived. God forbid a man add to her happiness.

One evening, I told her she should allow herself to get to know someone. She kept repeating to me, "I don't need a man to make me happy." My response to her was this, "Nobody should need another person to make them happy, but there's nothing wrong with allowing someone to make you happy." I then pointed to her a poem by the great Khalil Gibran. In his work The Prophet, Gibran's character, Almitra, preaches to the people about various topics, including marriage. Here's an excerpt:

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

This is what marriage is - the coming together of two distinct individuals that become one, but they are not overcome by the other. They are together and distinct at the same time.

After I explained this concept to her, Dina pondered for a moment. I then told her that she is never going to get close to anyone until she removes the self-imposed block on her heart. It's not that other people are evil or pose an obstacle for her. It's that she makes other people evil or makes them into an obstacle.

Now, let's turn to Alexa. Alexa is a woman in her mid-twenties. Although Alexa allows herself to become involved in relationships, she still shares the negativity quality of Dina. Alexa is the serial dater. During the years I've known Alexa, she's always had two men lined up every time she has had a break-up. The woman has never been single for more than a week. In many respects, Alexa is like Dina. Although she dates, she never allows any man to make a significant connection with her. Alexa's relationships are filled with dates, sex, and parties. There's never a true development to lead to anything seriously. Alexa's relationships have never progressed beyond the traditional one-year period. After one year, Alexa is single with two more men lined up. Even while in the relationship, Alexa is still talking to other men, keeping them on the backburner until her main squeeze has been squeezed out. Alexa attempted to counsel me on her methods, attempting to convince me that I should date other people, even if I am committed to one person. Her reasoning was that men don't always commit, so why should we? I politely declined her advice.

We have two different women - one who stays away completely from relationships, and the other who uses them and switches them out like purses to an outfit. At the end of the day, both women will always remain single, not because they are undesirable or unfit. They will always remain single because they choose to be single. They choose to be single because they harbor a negative mindset towards men and relationships.

I've learned over time that a negative mindset is what dooms any relationship. One can't go into a relationship waiting for the bottom to fall out. If that's what you expect to happen, it will. If you go into a relationship with happiness and positivity, then you will receive happiness and positivity.

It's all about perception, and when it comes to love, what you see is what you get.

Fake Friends Are True Enemies

Here's a basic rule about making friends at work: don't. Just don't.

I would estimate that 99% of people who you think are your friends from work aren't your friends at all. The moment that their needs change based on your position, they will disappear. After quitting my job, I was faced with the reality that the majority of people that I thought were allies were always just snakes in the grass, generating and circulating rumors about me.

I remember that after I had quit and my old office announced my departure, my phone was flooded with three different types of inquiries. The first type was - "Are you okay? What happened?" because God forbid I decide to do something for myself, and these people were just fishing for information. The second type was - "Why didn't you say anything to me?" as if I had some kind of obligation to clue people in to my personal plans. The third type was - "Wow! Good for you! Let's catch up!"  because these people were actually happy that I escaped an environment that wasn't working for me.

Most people fell into the first and second categories. About three people fell into the third category. The people that fell into the third category are the ones I still talk to from what I like to call "my old life." The people from the first two categories are the ones who started a lot of the gossip, didn't keep in touch, and were only looking for something from me to validate their petty conspiracy theories. Good drama makes good gossip, but good gossip doesn't make good friends.

In law, I've realized that it's better to keep to yourself. When you want to make a career move, you have zero obligation to tell anyone else about it. The people who feel that you do owe them some explanation for your life and your choices are the ones who are not authentic. A real friend accepts your choices and doesn't try to concoct explanations for why you do things. A real friend remains patient because a real friend knows that you'll be ready to talk whenever you're ready to talk.

Work "friends" are the worst because they are the ones who will take your information to use it to their advantage. They will try to twist and manipulate once you're not there to defend yourself, all to elevate themselves. They want to make themselves look like heroes, because how dare you leave them behind to their pettiness.

It's been refreshing to purge myself of all of the gunk I had in my life. When it comes to work, know that there will always be snakes in the grass. That's just how work environments are. People call themselves a team, but the truth of it is that everyone will throw you under the bus if it means they can get ahead.

When it comes to work, trust no one. They might smile at you, and seem kind and endearing, but know that what they carry behind their backs is a long knife with your name on it.


photo credit: https://www.friendsquotation.com/18425/fake-friends-believe-in-rumors.php