Negativity

Have you ever noticed that whenever you come across some happiness in love, there's always those people who want to crap all over it? You know who I'm talking about - the people who want to criticize, tell you why you need to be careful, tell you why you should keep your "options open" even though you're in a committed relationship, and tell you why things aren't what they seem to you.

This is negativity. All of those criticisms aren't cautious advice. It's not someone being a friend. It's that "friend" being a hater.

This past weekend, I was away for business and spent time with two different friends of mine who exhibited this negative behavior. When I came home, I had to wash the stink of their negativity off me. I'll call them "Dina" and "Alexa."

Dina is a few years older than me. She was a law school classmate. After telling her about my newest love interest, she started to rain down with unwelcome advice on me. I politely, but sternly, told her that when I want her advice, I'll ask for it. She apologized and changed her tune the following day, but the rest of the weekend was still filled with negativity towards relationships in general.

Dina had gone through a divorce years prior. It was clear that the divorce still affected her. Dina had a warped view of men. According to her, they are all cheaters, liars, and thieves in relationships. Men, according to Dina, are not to be trusted. Relationships are shams. She claims to be too busy for a relationship. She never goes out. She never dates, because she never knows when the person she is dating will turn into someone that might become relevant to a case of hers. "I never shit where I eat!" she would proudly proclaim to me. My response to her was that she was shutting herself out of an entire world of possibilities and putting a block on her heart. Dina constantly talked about work - the lawyers she has gone against, her cases, her trials. I commend her for her professional achievements, but beyond her small county, nobody knows who she is or these lawyers she's gone against. Dina is not Johnnie Cochran, but in her mind she is, and every client of hers is OJ Simpson. In her mind, she is the quintessential woman lawyer to ever have lived. God forbid a man add to her happiness.

One evening, I told her she should allow herself to get to know someone. She kept repeating to me, "I don't need a man to make me happy." My response to her was this, "Nobody should need another person to make them happy, but there's nothing wrong with allowing someone to make you happy." I then pointed to her a poem by the great Khalil Gibran. In his work The Prophet, Gibran's character, Almitra, preaches to the people about various topics, including marriage. Here's an excerpt:

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

This is what marriage is - the coming together of two distinct individuals that become one, but they are not overcome by the other. They are together and distinct at the same time.

After I explained this concept to her, Dina pondered for a moment. I then told her that she is never going to get close to anyone until she removes the self-imposed block on her heart. It's not that other people are evil or pose an obstacle for her. It's that she makes other people evil or makes them into an obstacle.

Now, let's turn to Alexa. Alexa is a woman in her mid-twenties. Although Alexa allows herself to become involved in relationships, she still shares the negativity quality of Dina. Alexa is the serial dater. During the years I've known Alexa, she's always had two men lined up every time she has had a break-up. The woman has never been single for more than a week. In many respects, Alexa is like Dina. Although she dates, she never allows any man to make a significant connection with her. Alexa's relationships are filled with dates, sex, and parties. There's never a true development to lead to anything seriously. Alexa's relationships have never progressed beyond the traditional one-year period. After one year, Alexa is single with two more men lined up. Even while in the relationship, Alexa is still talking to other men, keeping them on the backburner until her main squeeze has been squeezed out. Alexa attempted to counsel me on her methods, attempting to convince me that I should date other people, even if I am committed to one person. Her reasoning was that men don't always commit, so why should we? I politely declined her advice.

We have two different women - one who stays away completely from relationships, and the other who uses them and switches them out like purses to an outfit. At the end of the day, both women will always remain single, not because they are undesirable or unfit. They will always remain single because they choose to be single. They choose to be single because they harbor a negative mindset towards men and relationships.

I've learned over time that a negative mindset is what dooms any relationship. One can't go into a relationship waiting for the bottom to fall out. If that's what you expect to happen, it will. If you go into a relationship with happiness and positivity, then you will receive happiness and positivity.

It's all about perception, and when it comes to love, what you see is what you get.