Is it the proverbial biological clock that has my uterus on fire?
Either way, I've acquired a burning desire to have kids now. I never felt like this before. Five years ago, I ran away at the idea of having kids. I've always wanted them, but the idea of them was scary to me. Everything about pregnancy horrified me, and then the idea of raising a child freaked me out. To be responsible for another human being who was relying on you for everything was not music to my ears.
Within the last month or so, I've really wanted to have a kid. Maybe it's because I've been teaching faith formation at my church lately, or being able to have one-on-one time with my nieces and nephew (although sometimes my nephew kicks the baby bug right out of me because he can be super cute and a super terror). There's one little girl in my class that comes from an abusive household. All I want to do is protect her. Every time she comes into class, the first thing she does is give me a big hug, and my heart melts into a giant puddle. All I want to do is be there for her. I've wanted to quit teaching, but I decided I'll quit after she graduates high school. Maybe.
Yesterday, I really felt the baby bug when I took my friend's teenage daughter out for the day. I've known the girl since she was 8 years old, a little sprocket who wore big bows in her hair all the time. Now, she's a full-fledged freshman in high school. I took her out for lunch, then gelato, and then we went shopping together. She told me stories about her friends, she asked me questions about things like what credit is and why it was important, and I shared some of my knowledge and wisdom with her. We went into a Swarovski store where she fell in love with a bracelet that I decided to buy her as a gift. It was a beautiful bracelet. To see her joy at receiving the bracelet made my heart overflow. The whole day was so much fun with her. It really made me want to have a daughter. So very much.
The idea of taking care of a life suddenly didn't seem so scary. It was beautiful. Obviously, there is an ugly side - I've seen my nieces and nephew at their worst, but I've also seen them at their best. That's just how life is. It's not all poetry.
But at 33, I don't have a boyfriend. I'm no where close to being married. Who knows if I ever will at this rate. I've become so repulsed by men that I've almost totally lost interest in ever getting married.
So what does a single woman like me do?
Well, I've decided that this will be the year that I become a homeowner. By June, I'll be shopping around for bank loans and the best interest rates and deals on closing costs. By August, I'll start looking at homes. By December, I hope to get the process started on closing. My lease at my apartment ends in March, so the deal must be sealed by then.
And if I'm not married in my 30s? Oh well!
I'll just continue building myself up financially, because somewhere out there, if not in my uterus, maybe there's a child waiting for me to adopt him or her.
And maybe, if everything is right in my life and I'm stable enough, I could adopt that child.
Maybe.
It's a very big deal, not to be taken lightly, and as much as I want to be a mother, I also want to make sure that I can be a good provider. It's a decision that's bigger than deciding whether to buy a house. This is taking on a new life, for life.
We'll see...
For now, I'll keep the tug at my uterus in check.
photo taken from: http://www.newkidscenter.com/Interpreting-Children's-Drawings.html
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