Dating App Review: Bumble

Ladies and gentlemen:

Are you tired of the same old dating apps? Well guess what. I am happy to tell you about a new app: BUMBLE. 

Bumble is the brain child of an ex-Tinder founder. So far, it is the best I've seen. For months, I've wondered where the hot men were in my area. If I exist, a hot, young, professional, surely my counterpart exists. Hopefully, he does, on Bumble. 

Bumble is similar to Tinder. It connects to your Facebook (but does not post to it!). You control your settings and what images get posted. You can even write a blurb about yourself. You swipe right if you like someone, and left if you don't.

What makes it better? The ball is in the woman's court. Long gone are the days that a woman must wait to initiate contact. A connection is made on Bumble when both parties swipe right AND the woman initiates contact. A woman can only initiate contact within 24 hours. If she doesn't, then the male is given the option to extend the 24 hour window an additional 24 hours. It's a brilliant plan because it forces immediate contact - not just a match that sits there without anything further happening. 

I must admit - I get delighted when I get a match. "You have a bee in the hive!" 

My first 24 hours so far in Bumble have been great. The men are much better looking, professional, and overall appear to match my criteria. I like that I'm able to have more control. 

Who knew that there were so many eligible bees in the hive! This is where the hotties have been hiding. We'll see where the bumble bees take me. 

Fetish Feature: S&M (NSFW)

Surfing the dating world reveals, from time to time, people with fetishes. The most frequent fetish I find is that of S&M. According to Psychology Today, one in ten people are into S&M. 

S&M, aka sadomasochism, is the giving or receiving of pleasure through the use of acts that involve humiliation or infliction of physical pain. How this became a trend, I have no idea. I'll leave that to Psychology Today. Nonetheless, some people are into it and as long as it's all consensual, it's all gravy. I should note that scientifically, pain during sex releases more endorphins. The more the endorphins, the more the pleasure, and the more the sexual arousal. 

Here are a couple of S&M men. Observe Exhibit A... 

Talk about a kinky duck. And Exhibit B: 

As you can see, this medical professional is into the same kinky stuff as the duck. 

Most people who are into S&M that I find online seem to be the same type - usually it's a male in his 30s-40s, a professional of some sort, and they never post their true photos online. Why the mystery? 

Nobody wants to be too exposed with this fetish. Despite the extensive underground culture, it still seems to be frowned upon by most. On the same token, everyone thinks they're a little kinky. Have you ever spanked a partner during sex? Have you ever been spanked? Do you ever engage in a little hair pulling during sex? What about a little bite here and there? Have you ever liked to be held down during sex? Maybe a little rough once in a while? If you've done any of those things, then you've done a little S&M yourself. Watch out Christian Grey. 

Exhibit B mentions "vanilla sex" in his profile. Vanilla sex means conventional sex - whatever is acceptable under social norms. In other words, if you're not into S&M or anything kinky, then you're vanilla. Remember - most everyone has done a little S&M at some point in their sexual lifetime. I think it's fair to say that most people are vanilla with the occasional swirl of spank. 

A few years ago, I had my own personal adventure into S&M. Chill out - I didn't go nuts like the duck. I met a man who was into the stuff. He was a lawyer from New York City and ten years older. One day, over a drink, he casually told me about his fetish. 

"It's a lot of fun. I think you'd enjoy it." He smiled mischievously at me. He then went on to tell me about the sex clubs in NYC. He also told me about a fantasy he had for me. He wanted to suspend me in a swing, my arms and legs bound, in one of these clubs and have sex with me while people gawked. I was freaked out. 

As time went on, he introduced me to the different aspects of S&M, including what he liked. He was into domination and pain. I wasn't. The idea of having someone commit acts of pain on my nipples while I was strapped up by belts like a sacrificial lamb just didn't appeal to me - call me crazy!

I shared this story with a good friend of mine who also dated someone into the S&M culture. That man, too, was older than she was. "Come here, little girl," he would say to her. It was a verbal act of domination and an act of introduction into S&M. 

S&M is probably always going to remain an underground culture because it is so extreme to the mainstream. It's hard for me to picture this gaining mainstream popularity because the act of pain while receiving pleasure just isn't a big turn-on for most people. Most people are content with light S&M, but they won't reach the level of the duck. If you're not at duck-level, then you probably won't get along with someone who is a duck. When it comes to sex, it's best to be with someone who enjoys the same things you do. 

As they say, birds of a feather... 

Cocky S.O.B. Part II

Remember when we met our first Cocky S.O.B.?  Guess what. He had babies, and now his spawn are all over dating sites everywhere! Ahhhh! 

Actually, the Cocky SOB is everywhere in every site in every man. Every woman likes a man with confidence, but there's a limit. Once that limit is reached, it causes me to have one gut reaction: a swift throat punch. 

Seeing that a throat punch is probably not a good idea, I'll just stick to ignoring these fellows. Let's look at the first exhibit: 

This guy clearly thinks that by telling me the size of his non-existent condoms, I will be so impressed that surely I will go out with him so he can bed me. Please. If a guy feels the need to brag about his dick, he probably has a smaller than average dick. 

This next guy is so full of himself that he talks about himself in the third person. I kid you not. 

I can't make this stuff up. Are you starting to see why I'm still single?

This next guy has a double chin, and a doubley large ego to match it.

I speculate that he's from the Deep South. "I know you eying this." First, he can't spell correctly. This is not to say that all people from the Deep South don't know how to spell... but let's face it. He sounds like he's from the Deep South. 

This next guy also appears to be from the Deep South. He keenly feels that I, the lawyer, need someone to spoil me. No thanks. And certainly I wouldn't be caught dead with someone who looked like they walked out of the trailer park from the other side of town. 

Of course, I saved the best for last. This guy had messaged me about a month ago. I never responded. He thinks that his lack of response to my lack of response created in me a deep longing for him. He tried to be gracious, and I, just as graciously, gave him a giant FRO (f*ck right off). 

The Self-Messenger

Have you ever received a message from someone, not responded to that person, but that person decides to keep writing to you anyway? If this has happened to you, you've been struck by a Self-Messenger. A Self-Messenger is someone who will continue to message you, despite your non-response and progressive silence. His messages will begin to build until it becomes apparent that in his (or her) mind, he is growing a relationship with you. Observe: 

First of all, if a guy is saying in his tagline how genuinely cool, sweet and funny he is, he's probably not. That is the sign of someone who might be desperate. Notice that I said the word might. In this case, he confirmed to me that he is desperate. He has exposed himself as a Self-Messenger. Beginning on January 24 through February 21, the man messaged me four times. Notice how his messages are progressively creepier. I have not responded once. 

I thought that after not responding to the first or second messages, home skillet would get a clue. Clearly, he has not, as he now thinks we're on a level where he can send me "good morning" messages and blow me cyber kisses through POF mail. Bleh. 

The bottom line is this: if you get struck by a self-messenger, you have three delightful options. The first option is to block him or her. The second option is to politely respond and tell the person that you are not interested. The third, and most fun option, is to sit back and let the psycho expose himself. 

After all, isn't part of online dating enjoying the fun you can have along the way to meeting your match? 

Valentine's Day Vagabond

photo credit: Banksy

Happy Valentine's Day! To all of the people in a good, solid relationship - stay that way. Honor, love, and cherish your partner. Be faithful. To all of my fellow singletons - be in no rush to get into a relationship. It is better to be alone than with a bad partner. 

This week, I was stood up on another date. The guy messaged me an hour before our meet time, telling me that he was very comfortable on his couch and didn't want to venture out in the cold. He asked if we could reschedule. My response:

"No. We are not going to reschedule for your couch. I need a guy who is reliable. Enjoy your couch."

Vagabond. 

A vagabond is someone who floats endlessly in the single world without any purpose. Unlike a creeper, the vagabond never really settles down. Vagabonds usually have very few aspirations or ambitions for their own lives. They'll charm you and seduce you, then mooch off you. 

It seems in the month of February, there has been a spike in creepers, married or unmarried, and vagabonds. After having a couch chosen over me on a cold night, I got back on Tinder. I saw a guy that I liked, but I had a suspicion. 

Luckily, for every sleuthing female out there, Tinder tells you if you have friends in common. This guy and I did. I managed to locate his Facebook and his Instagram. Lo and behold - he was a creeper, not a vagabond. Observe these photos with the girlfriend: 

And here is an unabashed creeper - I wonder how the wife feels about her wedding photo being posted for all to see. By the way, if they're looking for a threesome, it's usually posted. 

 I was getting jaded by Tinder. Alas! Look who popped up in time for Valentine's Day, Mr. Snowman, the Dick Pic Dude. He was coming in town for a visit over Valentine's Day weekend, and clearly wanted a roll in the hay, despite my feigned illness.  

Yeah, I bet he will take me sick. A vagina doesn't get the flu. The owner does. 

Or he wants to make the notches on his bed count. 

Oh look. A day later, he wants to see if my vagina is feeling any better. Still "sick"!

Who the hell drinks Gatorade when they're sick!? As if that's the all-out cure? I said I had the flu, not diarrhea. "Let me visit you." Clearly, he wants the vagina, not me.

"hint hint, let them be kind." You mean let you f*** me? Is your dick somehow a magic wand for my fake flu? No thanks.

Note that since this message which was on Friday, I haven't been followed up on since. I think Mr. Dick Pic got the message. 

All joking aside, this is the best advice I can give to all the singletons out there: never ignore a red flag. The way a person acts while dating you is how that person will act during your marriage, times one hundred. Never ignore a red flag.

I remember the first time my ex verbally threatened me. The verbal threat became a phone being thrown at me. The phone being thrown at me became another verbal threat of more physical violence. The threat of more physical violence became getting pushed into a wall of my apartment on the final fight before our breakup. All of this happened over the course of several months. All of it were red flags, coupled with the indications that he was creeping. I brushed it all aside, but another woman was the final straw. 

For some reason, another woman entering the picture seems to be the final straw for most women I've talked to who were in abusive relationships. I met another woman recently who came from a physically abusive relationship. I told her about my story. She told me I was smart that I got out when I did. Her ex actually put her in the hospital. They were together for several years, whereas my ex and I were together for only 19 months. 

"I was beaten within inches of my life. Once a man puts his hands on you, that's it. It only gets worse. Believe me. I nearly died." 

Abuse is abuse, whether mental or physical. 

Last night, I went out for drinks with one of my best friends of 18 years. She was engaged. I was thinking of her earlier in the week. When she called me, unexpectedly, to say she was in town, I was absolutely delighted. She was supposed to be getting married this year, but I hadn't heard about any marriage plans for a while. 

To be honest, I had hesitations about the guy from the beginning. I didn't like that the guy was my age and didn't even have a bachelor's degree. He was in the part-time program at some local college. It all smelled like bull, but my friend seemed happy so I didn't say anything to put down her man. 

Once we got to the bar, she began to tell me everything. She had a "gut feeling" that her fiance was up to no good. Ladies - 95% of the time, if you have a gut feeling that your man is creepin', he probably is. She did some investigation. 

A woman who thinks her relationship is under attack by another woman is better than any undercover law enforcement officer on the planet. My friend went from hijacking the phone bill, to getting the other woman's phone number (who turned out to be her fiance's coworker), to jailbreaking her fiance's phone, to discovering a messaging app on the phone, to finding the other woman on the app, and to locating hundreds of text messages that spanned all the way back to August of 2015. Talk about a creeper. 

"Read these." 

She showed me the messages. Not only was this asshole a vagabond and clearly a future creeper, he was a vagabond and a future creeper who brought the other woman into the home he shared with my friend and had sex with the other woman on the couch that my friend bought. I wanted to crack his skull. 

She did confront him about everything. He did the one thing that every great criminal does: deny, deny, deny. 

"Take off the ring," I told her. I meant it. I wanted to burn that ring. I wanted to throw it into the fires of Mordor (yes, Lord of the Rings reference. I am a nerd.). 

"What? No. I can't. I feel weird. I mean, in my mind it's over but I'll feel weird."

"Take off the ring. Sell it. He's an asshole. F*** that guy! Tonight, get on your knees and thank God that this was exposed to you now, and not after you've been married and had a child."

My friend, hesitantly, took off her ring. It was a beautiful ring - I remember when she sent me the photos of it the day they got engaged. She was so happy. My best friend, my "little sister," finally found happiness - or so we all thought. 

She put the ring in her wallet. She then did something I didn't expect. She leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and said, "I'm free. I'm single," 

Yes, yes my sweet friend. You are back on the market. 

It is always better to be single than stuck with a bad partner. Never ignore a red flag. Never ignore your gut. Trust love when it's real, but don't be naive when you're on the path to finding real love. 

I may not have a marriage that has lasted 50 years, but I'm also not divorced after 5 years. 

When love is real, it doesn't make you cry. It doesn't make you doubt. It doesn't make you miserable. It doesn't give you red flags. 

Real love makes you happy. It's reciprocal. 

To everyone out there - happy Valentine's Day. 

Creepers

Another stunning trend seems to be emerging in the dating world around me - the married guy. 

That's right! The ring don't mean a thing. Married men are out and about and trolling for the single ladies, like this guy on Tinder... 

Disgusting, right?

Not all men cheat on their wives. I know many good, genuine men who are happily married and have never even dreamed of cheating on their wives. When faced with temptation, they turn the other way. However, it's necessary to address the segment of the male population that is what I term the Creeper.

The term "creeping" means cheating. "Is he creepin'?" means "Is he cheating?"

A creeper is someone who is cheating, or just a weirdo. For the purposes of this post, a creeper is a cheater. Creepers are everywhere, and they're not always honest about their true identity as you saw in the Facebook post above.

I occasionally encounter the creeper while I'm out and about. I politely tell the creeper to creep elsewhere. A persistent creeper, however, may almost sweep you off your feet...almost.

Take my friend "Mina" for example. Mina does not want to accept the fact that she's dating a creeper. She's been dating a married man for about nine months. Her creeper boyfriend claims that he's getting a divorce, yet his Facebook is filled to the brim with images of him and his wife together - not quite the picture of an unhappily married couple. There is not one photo of Mina anywhere. There is not even a sliver of Mina anywhere on his Facebook. This is indicative of  one thing: a creeper.

Last night, a creeper attempted to sweep me off my feet. I told him to f*** off. I was at a dance club with some friends. We took a break from dancing and were sitting in the lounge area above the dance floor at a table. A creeper approached. I had noticed the creeper earlier and found him to be quite handsome.

When he approached me, he said, "You're too beautiful to be sitting here. Come with me. Dance with me." He took me by the hand and was about to lead me to the dance floor until I saw the golden clue on his left hand - a wedding ring. I pointed to it and said, "You're married!"
"And?"
"Get away from me."
He lifted his hands and walked away.

Later on in the evening, I saw him with a different woman. She had no wedding ring.

Unfortunately, not everyone places the same value on marriage. Last night was a reminder that I need a man who is as traditional as I am and who views marriage as something as precious as the gold on Heaven's Gates. Otherwise, I'll get stuck with a creeper. One of my best friends has a saying that I always remember when it comes to matters of betrayal, "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." 

Just remember this: Married guys who cheat on their wives are shitheads, like this guy below. Don't marry a shithead. Put the creeper type exactly where the shit belongs - in the toilet, flushed away, and away from you.

The Downgrade

Photo Credit: someecards.com

This past Saturday, I went to a beer festival with some friends. It was fabulous. The beer was flowing. The music was playing. I was feeling wonderful. I was wearing one of my favorite sweaters that made my boobs look great, my favorite perfume, my favorite boots, and the jeans that make my ass look extraordinarily amazing. I was groovin'! 

There was one particular beer I was in hot pursuit of - a coconut brew. I was hounding every single booth for it. In my hot pursuit, I came across something not so hot - my ex. I froze. I wanted to go the other way. I immediately directed my friends to reverse and go in the opposite direction. Before we left the area, I paused. I watched him. Who was he with? And then I saw her - the Downgrade! 

What is a downgrade? A downgrade is the person your ex dates after you break up, but is no where near your level. Your ex is not dating better than you. Your ex is dating someone below you. 

And there she was - the 25 year old dietitian, who looked cute in the photo I had seen online, but in person she was lackluster. She was a Monet - she looked good from a distance, but up close, she wasn't anything to marvel at. My friends agreed, and I felt even better. Here I was, the hot lawyer with the amazing ass, laughing at my ex with his downgrade. 

After a few moments and exhausting all of the booths on one side of the festival, I came to a resolution - f*ck that guy! I decided to stop being fearful of my ex and start enjoying my time out! I was with two of my closest friends. I wasn't going to let this guy interrupt my beer blasting. 

It was with this new gusto that I immediately adjusted my attitude and proceeded to enjoy the rest of the evening, taking comfort in the knowledge that my ex was with a downgrade. During another part of the evening, I noticed that the downgrade was attempting to display affection. She was saying something to him and rubbing his waist. He seemed indifferent to this public petting. He then turned his face and began walking away from her, and she proceeded to follow him like a small poodle. It looked like trouble in paradise. I kept walking with my friends. 

There were close encounters with the ex about two more times during the evening. One of my friends pointed out that the downgrade was giving me a stare-down, which means two things: (1) my ex saw me and (2) he pointed me out to the downgrade. 

I have no explanation for why he would have pointed me out to the downgrade. What I do know is that I got satisfaction out of it. 

When it comes to an ex, always take the high road. However, it will always be okay to laugh and take pleasure in seeing your ex with a downgrade, especially if it was the ex that shattered your heart and told you that you weren't good enough. 

Cheers to the downgrade. She's one hell of a 5.