Love Bombing

I met a fantastic guy last Friday at a party. He met all of my criteria: tall (6'1"), fit (body like a god), educated (doctorate), sweet (like a Washington apple), and a fun personality (like me). He was everything I was looking for, but then a red flag emerged. He started love bombing me!

photo credit: the-courage-to-heal.tumblr.com

What is love bombing? Love bombing is when a person prematurely showers you excessively with attention, affection, and makes lavish displays of said attention and affection. 

When we met at the party, it started out with normal conversation. Eventually, we kissed. He got my number, and I saw him at the gym the next day. He invited me to watch football with a group of his friends. So far, so good. In the course of one week, we had been out three times. Each time, he was becoming more intense with his affection - love bombing. In fact, he literally almost said "I love you" to me on more than one occasion. 

Now, it took my ex a full year to tell me that he loved me. He was stingy with emotion and, now that I look back, I realize he was a total dick to me about it. He used the "I love you" as a manipulative power play. This new guy wanted to throw out the "I love you" like it was Halloween candy. Both men were the polar opposites of each other on the emotional plane. Then, there was the "what ifs." He asked me if I had thought about what our kids would look like. Kids? I know that I wanted kids, but I certainly didn't think about what "our" kids would look like. I had just met this guy! He threw out the idea of marriage. What would it be like to be married. Married! I wanted to get married eventually, but I wasn't in that state of mind. It's the love bombing. As with all types of bombs, it has the same effect: makes me want to RUN AWAY and RUN FOR COVER. 

When someone is love bombing, know one thing: there is something toxic in the background. 

photo credit: radioornot.com

I knew from friends at the party that this guy was recently single, but when I asked how recent, the answers I got were nebulous. I had to get to the bottom of it. Why is this guy love bombing me? Don't get me wrong. I really liked the attention. Things at work had gotten rocky. After a rough day, he came over and cooked a NY strip steak for me, made prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, and potpourri potatoes. Don't forget the exquisite red wine he brought over, my favorite cabernet sauvignon. He invited me to go boating with him on the weekend. I was excited.

On Friday, I decided to dig deeper with him. I liked this guy. He seemed so much better than my ex. He was waking me up to how I should have been treated - like a queen, and given respect when I had questions, not stomping me out like an annoying ant. I wanted to get to know him, but I needed him to pump the brakes. He took me out to dinner to a fabulous four-star restaurant, a steakhouse that left me dizzy with delicious fine wine and equally fine food. During the main course, he was showing me a photo of the boat dock and the places we'd go to on the boat. When he was exiting out of the album, I saw a photo of his ex on his phone. (Ironically, this was the same way I discovered that my ex was cheating on me with 20-something year-old whores).

I asked him if he was over his ex. When he only looked at me, I knew the answer. He wasn't over her, and I told him so. He responded, "You're right, but it's not so much her. It's that she didn't love me. It's that she left me and I didn't understand why. I struggle with that. I ask myself what I did wrong." His blue eyes appeared opened to me, opened in the sense that what I saw was not him, but a person who was holding on to a lot of hurt that still needed a lot of healing. I knew that hurt all too well because it was the same hurt that my ex inflicted on me. This explained the love bombing. By love bombing me, he thought he could love bomb himself. He thought he could bomb himself into a new relationship that would bring him to the accelerated healed state that he wanted.

He continued answering me.

"I really like you. I really do. I want to see where this goes. You're so different from any woman I've ever met. You're fun, you have a career, you're mellow, you hate drama. You volunteer. You teach. Girls like you don't exist, and I don't want to let this go."
"I like you, too, but you're still healing. I don't want to be anybody's rebound. My breakup was over a year ago. Yours was when?"
"Last month."
"Last month. You're not ready."

He stared at me, looking hurt. Then I continued, "Look, we can keep going out on dates, but we need to slow it down. Really slow. We need to get to know each other first. I want this to be light and fun, no pressure." He agreed.

The next day, we went boating with two friends of mine. My friends overwhelmingly approved of him, the tougher critic of the two saying "You've hit a home run with this one."

When we were alone, the love bombing started again. I told him I needed him to calm down. I was supposed to meet other friends of his at a birthday party that night. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. He understood and didn't pressure me into going.

It is nice to go out with a guy who actually treats me well and wants to spoil me. I don't think this is going to become anything. I don't mind helping him heal, but I certainly don't plan on becoming intimate with this man. Intimacy is for a true relationship, and we're just not at that bridge.

As long as there is love bombing, there will be no bridge.