Just One More Day

Two weeks ago, I was notified that my ex co-worker, "Angie," was found dead in her car. The news shocked me. Her death had been in the news, but I never expected it to be her. I saw her only days prior to her death, and she was happy, upbeat, and cheerful.

My life had changed radically over the last month. A larger law firm found out about me. A head hunter working for the firm contacted me. The law firm was my dream firm, one I had always wanted to work for. The partner saw my resume, scheduled me for an interview, and two days later I was hired. The story surrounding the interview is pretty humorous, but I'll save that for another post. The bottom line is that my life was getting a lot better. I was even hired for the money that I wanted, and it was a considerable chunk of money more per year than my old firm was paying me.

I gave my two-week notice. I was excited to leave my old firm. Angie was happy for me as well. I only knew her for roughly three months, but her death reminded me that there is a lot more going on with people under the surface than meets the eye.

Angie used to irritate me at work. I didn't like her much, and I wasn't very fond of her dog, either. It was a fat chihuahua that used to shit all over the office. I also used to be irritated about how she would flaunt her new boyfriend in the office. He knew her for a few days and was already sending flowers to her at the office. She was on cloud 9. After a while, the boyfriend thing seemed to simmer down.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think Angie should have died. She was only 26. Looking back, I realize now that she took emotions to the extreme. I wish I could have done more for her. I wish I could have realized it at the time, instead of now.

For a brief period, Angie tried stealing my work at the old firm. I know that most people get catapulted to instant sainthood after death, but Angie will always be just Angie to me. When I caught on to what she was doing with the cases I was working on, I did nothing. I let it go. I didn't think it was worth making waves because it was minor, but it inhibited me from trusting her. I started behaving dryly towards her. Angie picked up on it. After a few days, she confronted me in my office one morning.

She walked in, closed the door, and she looked calm.
"I need to talk to you."
"Sure, about what?"
"Oh, I think you know."
"Actually, I don't... can you enlighten me?"

Angie started to look like she was about to cry. Apparently, the managing attorney for the firm, the big boss, caught on to what Angie was doing on the cases and had given her a stern reprimand. Angie started apologizing profusely to me, saying how much she looked up to me. Her eyes started to tear. She told me that she never meant to offend me and that she knew she was no where near my level. I was surprised by all of it, including how emotional Angie was getting over it. I told her to relax, that I wasn't offended, and that all was well. After that day, I softened up towards her and gave her advice on legal practice. I just chalked it all up to her being an immature "baby lawyer." She was only 26 and barely out of law school.

Angie seemed to perk up after that. After a while, I noticed she would keep the door to her office closed. Out of the blue one day, she cleaned her office from top to bottom. We thought she was getting ready to quit.

One of the paralegals told me that Angie would huff a lot about the lack of work she was receiving. A few weeks later, Angie asked me if I could give her some work. By that time, I had given my two-week notice to the big boss. I asked Angie to work on a few motions that I needed to get done. She was excited and got to work immediately on it. She did a good job on the work I gave her, and I told her so. She was a smart girl and I told her that I trusted her work. She then complained to me about how the big boss wasn't giving her enough work. She was dissatisfied. I reminded her that she was still fresh to legal practice. I told her to be patient, and eventually she would have her own caseload. She hadn't even been at the firm for three months yet.

I saw her three days before she died. It was my last day at the old firm. Angie was happy for me. She asked me about my new firm. She was like a small puppy. She told me how the big boss had immediately started giving her more work to do now that I was leaving. She was excited, but she had bigger dreams. She then shared her dreams with me. She wanted to leave the firm in a year. She wanted to get some experience and open her own firm. Her eyes sparkled as she shared her dreams with me.

She told me how much she wanted to be like me. "You're such a bad ass. I hope I can be as good of a lawyer as you." My heart melted when she said that. I told her that she would. I told her she could do anything she wanted to do - all she had to do was go for it. She pitched the idea of us going into practice together. "Wouldn't that be awesome?" she asked me with a huge smile on her face. I smiled back at her. "Sure!" I didn't mean it at the time, but I said it like I did. I wanted her to be happy. I liked her smile.

When it was time for me to leave, I gave everyone a hug. Angie's hug was the warmest. She didn't just hug me - she held me, just a little longer than a hug would have lasted. She squeezed me tightly. I was leaving for a conference that I was already signed up to attend. Angie wanted to get together when I got back. I told her we would, but we never did.

I drove back on a Saturday. One of the paralegals texted me the news that Angie was found dead in the parking lot of a hardware store in her car. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. She didn't know the cause of death, but police didn't think it was foul play. The paralegal promised to keep me informed if she heard anything about the cause of death or the funeral.

I knew that Angie had a neurological issue and a heart issue. Her neurological issue was one that caused her to pass out randomly. I immediately ruled out suicide. The girl had it all - she had a law degree, she was smart, she was starting her career, she had plans, she was gorgeous, and she had a new boyfriend. I also ruled out drug overdose because she was such a fitness freak. I theorized that she passed out in her car and died of heatstroke because the windows were rolled up. It seemed logical. That's what I believed. I convinced myself of my own theory.

I got the news of her memorial. I planned to go to it with people from my old office. The big boss couldn't be bothered to attend Angie's funeral. The accountant had a class. The paralegal that had broken the news to me suddenly had a sick cat that she had to take to the vet. All of it outraged me. This was Angie. Can't we honor her?

I rode with another paralegal that I was close with. She was about my mother's age, and she was a huge gossip. If anyone had any information about anything, it would be her. On the drive to the church, I immediately tried pumping her for information. She gushed.

Angie shot herself in the head. There was blood spatter all over the car and all over the work computer. The computer was how the office found out about it. The police notified the big boss that they were holding on to the computer for investigation.

After I left the office, Angie disclosed that she had cervical cancer. The boyfriend Angie had was actually a married man who dumped her to go back to his wife. Angie had high hopes for him. The paralegal told me that Angie had created a "bucket list" to do with him. She had only dated him for a month. She told him that they were going to do everything on the list, but randomly. Angie told him that she would call him and give him ten minutes to get ready, and off they would go. The boyfriend thought she was nuts. Shortly after that was when he dumped her. The day that Angie shot herself was the day of or the day after the married man broke up with her.

Knowing Angie, she must have felt devastated and didn't have the emotional stability to deal with it. I'm sure she had more going on that she was upset about. She didn't call anyone. She must have withdrawn into herself, into that darkness, and concocted a plan to relieve herself of her emotional pain. I wish she hadn't gone through with it. I wish she had waited for the pain to pass.

I know what that darkness is like. A few years ago, I was in a deep depression. I never told anyone because I didn't want to bring anyone into the darkness. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was ugly for it. I couldn't get out of bed. I cried myself to sleep frequently. I hated waking up in the mornings. I didn't want to face the world. I didn't want to go to work. I just wanted to withdraw into myself and stay away from people. I was like this for months, but nobody knew because to the rest of the world, I would smile, laugh, and joke like I always did. My smile hid my pain.

I remember one night, it got really bad. I wanted to die. It was all I could think about. I was consumed by the allure of death. I took some steps to make it happen. I almost made it happen. I remember the following day, I was half angry and half relieved that I wasn't dead. Today, I'm really glad that I'm alive because I have so much to live for, and so did Angie. Death isn't worth it. I wish Angie had waited one more day because she would have seen that darkness disappear. She would have realized that the darkness is temporary. She would have realized that it's not worth dying.

The memorial for Angie angered me. It was a non-denominational Christian service. The preacher was terrible and barely said anything about Angie's life. The whole service was geared at converting people. It didn't feel like it was honoring Angie.

The paralegal and I went out for lunch after the memorial. We went to an eclectic restaurant that I like to frequent. We toasted to Angie - to the girl with the bright smile, may you rest in peace.

To anyone else reading this who is thinking about suicide - please don't do it. Please wait just one more day. Any time that darkness is consuming you, just wait one more day. Always wait one more day. I promise that the darkness will pass.