Unhinged

Running into an ex in public is bound to happen at some point. It's usually never a pleasant experience if the break-up was not amicable, if the relationship itself was toxic, if there was no closure, or all of the above. 

Last night, I experienced the dilemma of seeing my ex in public. I was out and about with friends, when I saw a ghost from my past. There he was, walking out of the bathroom, walking right past me, and proceeding to sit at a table with a heavy, fuzzy guy with a backwards cap and some skinny blonde who looked like she was fresh out of high school. 

And then it came - the pit in my stomach. Anxiety. Nervousness. Fear. Insecurity. Anger. It happened. I was unhinged. He triggered a mountain of feelings that I wasn't prepared to encounter in a bar on a Friday night out with my friends. 

I wanted answers from him. I wanted to know why he did all of the things he did to me. I wanted to approach him and say, "What the fuck? What the fuck is your problem? Why are you such an asshole?" I didn't do anything. I stayed away, and continued with my friends in conversations that I didn't give two craps about because I was trying to get myself out of my unhinged state. I stayed unhinged until he left with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb Blonde. 

I went to bed last night hoping that I would wake up from a nightmare. This morning, I woke up with that same pit in my stomach. I was upset. I still felt love for the man and missed him, and I was angry at myself for it. After lots of thought, I decided to give myself a break for having all of these feelings. 

My relationship was real. It was beautiful and it was ugly. It was not perfect, but he was the man I thought I was going to marry because I thought our love was real. It ended for a lot of reasons. It ended because he quit. It ended because he didn't want to be there for me. It ended because he wanted to see other women. It ended because of other reasons I may never know, and unfortunately, I must accept that I'll never know. He gave me darkness. 

Out of the darkness, I learned a lot of things. I learned to take the good and the bad together to look at the whole picture. I see him for who he really is. I woke up to the abusive relationship that it was. I see him as the man who walked away from me and left me unhinged. I see him as the man who, when he walks into a bar, still leaves me unhinged. Do I still love him? Of course I do. I've forgiven him, but I won't forget all of the lessons I've learned. 

Here's the thing: he doesn't keep power over me. I don't stay unhinged. I don't let my unhinged state get the best of me. I learned that even if I get unhinged, I'm still a phenomenal woman. I'm still a lady. I'm still strong. I'm strong because I keep control of myself. Even when he brings his dark cloud, I'm still able to radiate light. I wasn't able to do this a year ago. I'm able to do this now. 

It's okay to get unhinged because you're human, but it's not okay to stay that way. 

My friends, as you read this, if you ever find yourself becoming unhinged at the sight of your ex, remember this: pull yourself back together. Your ex walked away from you because he or she wanted to walk away. When someone wants to walk away from you, let that person walk. You are still you. You are still beautiful. You are still smart. You are still strong. You are still important. You are still all of the good things that you are. 

If you remember these things, you are not unhinged. You are re-stabilized.