Dreaming with a Broken Heart

photo credit: johnhembree.com

I'm a John Mayer fan. One of his songs, "Dreaming with a Broken Heart," was a sweet song about heartbreak. He sings about constantly dreaming about his ex, only to have the hurtful revelation every morning that she has left him. I never quite related to the song until recently. 

Periodically, I have dreams about my ex. I started writing them down in my journal to see what might be triggering the dreams. I would tell my counselor about them. We would break the dreams down and figure out the lessons behind each one. 

Usually, a dream would pop up after I've had a run in with my ex, or stumbled across some old memory of him in my home. In my new, ex-free apartment, I thought that for sure these dreams of him would stop. Another one popped up last night. 

This dream featured mostly his mother. My ex was more in the background, but still ever-present. His family was in my new apartment, but my new apartment didn't look like the one I am in presently. It was odd. His family was helping me move in, and he was there, too. When my ex and I were together, I had a good relationship with his mother. When we would visit his hometown, I would have coffee with his mother in the mornings, chatting about different topics. She and I had shopping trips together. She was a good woman, and she was the star of my dream. 

When his mother entered my apartment, I said to her how nice it was to see her again. We conversed while we were setting up my place, and then we needed to run some errands. While we were in the car, she asked me why I stayed away from her and her family. 

"Because of [my ex]. I didn't know what to do after we broke up, so I stayed away. He was so cruel after the breakup. I was afraid."
"Listen, just because there's one asshole in the family doesn't mean we're all like that." I laughed in the dream. 

Then came time to go to the courthouse. We were to watch a marriage ceremony, and we were meeting up with my ex and the rest of his family there. It almost seemed like we were waiting for something other than the marriage ceremony. My ex was going to sit next to me, but another woman popped up in between us. It turned out to be another friend of mine that I haven't seen in four years. I was excited and started talking to her. My ex was still there, still watching me, waiting patiently for me. Then, I woke up. 

As I woke up, as with my other dreams, I paused. I was processing everything I experienced in the dream, and then came to the conclusion that it was just a dream and nothing more. These dreams felt so vivid to me that they felt true, but I needed to tell myself that they were not true. 

Perplexed about having this dream in my new apartment, I spoke with two of my closest, best friends. The first one is a female, married with children. 

"I still dream about my ex, the one who broke my heart." She proceeded to tell me about a recurring dream she has. 

"It must be the trauma of the heartbreak. It must have left a psychological impact which leads to the dreams. Our minds are still processing the hurt." It made sense to me. My ex may very well be the only man who really shattered my heart. I think I've done a pretty good job of putting the pieces back together, although my heart is more cynical. 

My other friend is a single male who also suffered a terrible heartbreak a few years ago. He said, "We're never the same after we have our hearts broken." 

I spent the rest of the day thinking about these things. Ultimately, it's true. I remember as a bratty teenager, I sometimes had fights with my mom. I'll admit it - sometimes they got intense. I didn't like it, and I know my mom didn't like it. My dad sat me down one day and told me that I shouldn't fight with my mom.

"Let me explain this to you. Close your eyes. Picture a piece of white paper. Do you see it? Is it nice and smooth? Does it look perfect? Okay. Now I want you to picture yourself crumpling the paper up. Make a ball with it. Did you do that? Now, try to make it smooth again. Does it look the same?" 

I opened my eyes. 

"No, it looks like a mess." 

"That's what happens when you hurt someone."  

I never said another cross word to my mom again after that. 

And so it is with our own broken hearts. Someone may have crumpled them up, but they're still there. We can still make them whole. They might not be completely the same, but they're not destroyed. 

It just takes time to heal, and sometimes the pain of the memories is part of the healing. The pain of the memories are what makes those lessons of the past stick in our minds, and it's our minds telling us, through a dream about our past, what the lessons are to remember. 

Happy dreaming.