The New Hate

US election campaigns are in full swing. Supporters of each party are in full tide, with Donald Trump and his hate speech riding the crest of it. 

I'll be frank, I don't like Donald Trump. The man is a clown, the type of clown you see running around wildly with a machete and blood from unknown victims dripping down the blade. What's worse is his rhetoric. He spews hate speech, and his hate speech is having an impact on people around me. 

I see people I am friends with, on Facebook, posting some pretty horrible and racist things about Arabs and Muslims. Now, I'm a Palestinian Christian, but when you're brown, you're lumped in with Muslims, and Muslims, of which ironically Arabs are actually not the majority, are thought to be all Arabs. You see where I'm going with this? 

The current political and social climate feels like I've been rocketed back to the days of post 9-11, days that I was hoping to leave behind, days that I never want to relive again. They were days when I used to be terrified of walking home from the bus stop at school, wondering if someone was going to shoot me with a pistol. Days of hearing kids in the hallway saying that Arabs belonged in concentration camps. Days of being called a raghead or a sand nigger. Days of fellow students asking me, publicly humiliating me, if I knew a suicide bomber vest is made in their size. These weren't everyday occurrences, but they happened too frequently for my preference, and the result was making me feel isolated from the rest of the people around me. It was stressful.

It's starting again. I've received a couple of death threats on Facebook from total strangers. There's no merit to the threats, but it still sucks to receive them. Dating sucks again, too. People have become so desensitized to racism and prejudice that they don't even realize they are racist and prejudiced. 

The Love Bomber, despite his myriad displays of affection, also screwed up royally with me. One night, he came over to my place, excited to show me an episode of the show Curb Your Enthusiasm. The title of the episode was "Palestinian Chicken." Love Bomber touted it as a show of comic genius. He told me I'd love the episode. I wasn't sure what to expect. Larry David is a Jew, and most Jews in mainstream American media tend to portray Arabs as animals. This show was no exception. 

The show was abhorrent. It portrayed Palestinians as Jew-hating, over-sexed, animal-like creatures. It was some of the most racist rhetoric I had ever witnessed. Larry David hit a new low. 

Another fun dating instance was another guy who wanted to know my background, because "you look so beautiful and so exotic." This guy seemed okay. 

"I'm Palestinian." 

"What? Oh." His expression changed. "Yeah, that's a hot-button issue, but because you're gorgeous, I'm on your side." 

What? I didn't realize that my very existence as a Palestinian made me a "hot-button issue." 

It's the New Hate. 

Match Mismatch

photo credit: Match.com 

The first thing people told me to do when I was single again was to get on Match.com. I quipped, "But why, when I can go on other free dating sites?" 

"Because!" they would exclaim. "Those sites don't have quality men! It's not the same! A guy who is looking for the real thing will pay for it!" Much like you would a prostitute. 

So I gave Match.com a spin. It made me spin out. 

I am thrilled to report that after one year of Match.com membership, I cancelled. It was frustrating for multiple reasons. That Match.com Guarantee doesn't cash out. In fact, Match.com won't honor it. They place numerous strings on the Guarantee. When you try to claim it, then Match says that you failed in some manner or other and won't honor the Guarantee. By this time, I had a couple of dates from Match with men that were okay. They weren't the fireworks on the 4th of July, but they were okay. I would also find them on the free sites, like POF, OkCupid, or Tinder! I told the rep that I didn't want my subscription to be renewed after the second set of 6 months. 

For the last few weeks, I would receive "We Have No Matches For You Today." Really? Your name is freaking Match.com. Your job is to match me. How can you have no matches? I became frustrated. 

Then it appeared, a charge on my credit card from the notorious site. I immediately called my credit institution and filed a complaint with the site. It was ridiculous. I then called Match.com. Everything was eventually settled, but the customer service with Match.com was dismal. 

Bottom line: don't think a paid site is all that. I found that 90% of the time, the same men were also on free sites. They were all like me, hedging their bets across multiple dating networks. Some were in search of a real relationship, and others were in search of ass. 

I truly believe that meeting someone organically is the best way to meet them, but in today's world, nobody seems to approach anybody else in person any more. I haven't heard a good pickup line since 2005. Men don't seem to be charming, or try to woo a woman. It's a rarity. 

I might be a modern woman, but I still like the old school. 

Come on, gentleman, woo me. 

The Men of Costa Rica - Tinder International

I said it once and I'll say it again. Dating in my area is terrible. When I was in Costa Rica, I decided to hop on Tinder to see what the locals were like. Much to my surprise, they were amazing! Every man I met was good looking, educated, had a passion and pride for his country, loved to be active, and so fit! It was a wonderland of eligible bachelor selection. Observe the specimens I selected: 

Meet Rolo, who likes cars, travel, and people! His picture for Tinder demonstrates his love for love for travel. What a cool picture! 

Now look at Eduardo, out with nature in his Tinder picture! And look at that smile!

Now meet Harold. He likes music, like the band Mana (basically the Latin American version of U2 - awesome musical taste!). He likes beaches and football (soccer). He also like seafood and meat. Note that men in my area don't put nice little descriptions like this. They usually have something stupid like: hey babe, can you keep up? 

Now meet Jose. Oh Jose! That smile of his made me melt. He looks like he's about to go on a ride. He's got a sense of fun! I also love what he wrote for his profile: he hates liars and people who are only interested to get themselves ahead. He's genuine! 

Now check out Hector! This guy definitely has a heart for adventure. Look at this photo! He's on a mountain bike kicking up the dirt! What a fun match! 

Luis is another one who captured me. That smile, and his nice fedora hat. He shows that he's got a sense of class and style. Note the pride for his country. 100% Costa Rica! Pura vida! 

Now we have Chaco. Chaco has a great body and clearly enjoys the beaches at the national parks. I love a man who loves the beach. 

Ignacio. Another Costa Rican Tinder hottie. That smile, and his eyes were beautiful. Fit and clean cut. Another great selection.

Not check out Josef. Hot body. Sense of adventure. Loves the outdoors. Gorgeous looks. He's definitely a winner. 

Of course, there's always the weird tourist who pops up randomly. Meet Russell, who is laying shirtless with only a necktie (a la Fifty Shades of Grey?) and a dog who appears to be in some sort of bliss. 

'Tis the Season!

'Tis the season! This is the week of Thanksgiving. It marks the beginning of the holiday season and all of the wonderful things that go with it - family, great food, and exciting holiday sales.

The other thing that comes with the holiday season is the freak show of men who come into the area visiting family. Your OkCupid, POF, Tinder, Match, whatever you use becomes a device of solicitation for these men who are in town for a few days and looking for a little bit of fun.

Gentlemen, if I dare call you that, I am not your tourist destination. Buzz off!

Observe this guy - who became persistent after I did not respond to him.

First of all, what the hell is up with the photo? It's like he's trying to get any female who views him to visualize what it's like laying in bed with this joker. No thank you. 

Seriously, dude. Get a clue. 

Now check out this joker: 

Your whole family might be nutty. You might need a break from the holiday madness. You might need to get away from your crazy Aunt or Uncle. I have three words: not my problem. 

Happy holidays! 

Dumping the Love Bomber

The Love Bomber didn't get the message, even after three separate conversations I had with him telling him to slow down. The other day was the final straw. After dropping along Love bomb, I had had enough. Sometimes, you just need to pull the plug, even on someone who appears perfect. Had this guy been more normal, I totally could see myself settling down with him, but he's not! 

Truly, I think this guy is desperate to love someone and to be loved, but love bombing someone is the wrong way to do it. 

Love is like a small flower seed. It doesn't grow when it gets flooded with water all in one day. It needs only a little bit of water, every day with some tender care, to truly blossom into its full potential. 

Love Bombing

I met a fantastic guy last Friday at a party. He met all of my criteria: tall (6'1"), fit (body like a god), educated (doctorate), sweet (like a Washington apple), and a fun personality (like me). He was everything I was looking for, but then a red flag emerged. He started love bombing me!

photo credit: the-courage-to-heal.tumblr.com

What is love bombing? Love bombing is when a person prematurely showers you excessively with attention, affection, and makes lavish displays of said attention and affection. 

When we met at the party, it started out with normal conversation. Eventually, we kissed. He got my number, and I saw him at the gym the next day. He invited me to watch football with a group of his friends. So far, so good. In the course of one week, we had been out three times. Each time, he was becoming more intense with his affection - love bombing. In fact, he literally almost said "I love you" to me on more than one occasion. 

Now, it took my ex a full year to tell me that he loved me. He was stingy with emotion and, now that I look back, I realize he was a total dick to me about it. He used the "I love you" as a manipulative power play. This new guy wanted to throw out the "I love you" like it was Halloween candy. Both men were the polar opposites of each other on the emotional plane. Then, there was the "what ifs." He asked me if I had thought about what our kids would look like. Kids? I know that I wanted kids, but I certainly didn't think about what "our" kids would look like. I had just met this guy! He threw out the idea of marriage. What would it be like to be married. Married! I wanted to get married eventually, but I wasn't in that state of mind. It's the love bombing. As with all types of bombs, it has the same effect: makes me want to RUN AWAY and RUN FOR COVER. 

When someone is love bombing, know one thing: there is something toxic in the background. 

photo credit: radioornot.com

I knew from friends at the party that this guy was recently single, but when I asked how recent, the answers I got were nebulous. I had to get to the bottom of it. Why is this guy love bombing me? Don't get me wrong. I really liked the attention. Things at work had gotten rocky. After a rough day, he came over and cooked a NY strip steak for me, made prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, and potpourri potatoes. Don't forget the exquisite red wine he brought over, my favorite cabernet sauvignon. He invited me to go boating with him on the weekend. I was excited.

On Friday, I decided to dig deeper with him. I liked this guy. He seemed so much better than my ex. He was waking me up to how I should have been treated - like a queen, and given respect when I had questions, not stomping me out like an annoying ant. I wanted to get to know him, but I needed him to pump the brakes. He took me out to dinner to a fabulous four-star restaurant, a steakhouse that left me dizzy with delicious fine wine and equally fine food. During the main course, he was showing me a photo of the boat dock and the places we'd go to on the boat. When he was exiting out of the album, I saw a photo of his ex on his phone. (Ironically, this was the same way I discovered that my ex was cheating on me with 20-something year-old whores).

I asked him if he was over his ex. When he only looked at me, I knew the answer. He wasn't over her, and I told him so. He responded, "You're right, but it's not so much her. It's that she didn't love me. It's that she left me and I didn't understand why. I struggle with that. I ask myself what I did wrong." His blue eyes appeared opened to me, opened in the sense that what I saw was not him, but a person who was holding on to a lot of hurt that still needed a lot of healing. I knew that hurt all too well because it was the same hurt that my ex inflicted on me. This explained the love bombing. By love bombing me, he thought he could love bomb himself. He thought he could bomb himself into a new relationship that would bring him to the accelerated healed state that he wanted.

He continued answering me.

"I really like you. I really do. I want to see where this goes. You're so different from any woman I've ever met. You're fun, you have a career, you're mellow, you hate drama. You volunteer. You teach. Girls like you don't exist, and I don't want to let this go."
"I like you, too, but you're still healing. I don't want to be anybody's rebound. My breakup was over a year ago. Yours was when?"
"Last month."
"Last month. You're not ready."

He stared at me, looking hurt. Then I continued, "Look, we can keep going out on dates, but we need to slow it down. Really slow. We need to get to know each other first. I want this to be light and fun, no pressure." He agreed.

The next day, we went boating with two friends of mine. My friends overwhelmingly approved of him, the tougher critic of the two saying "You've hit a home run with this one."

When we were alone, the love bombing started again. I told him I needed him to calm down. I was supposed to meet other friends of his at a birthday party that night. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. He understood and didn't pressure me into going.

It is nice to go out with a guy who actually treats me well and wants to spoil me. I don't think this is going to become anything. I don't mind helping him heal, but I certainly don't plan on becoming intimate with this man. Intimacy is for a true relationship, and we're just not at that bridge.

As long as there is love bombing, there will be no bridge.

No Tongue Prior to the First Date, Please

Men who put up jackass photos are sure to get this response from me: PASS! Among some of the asinine photos men will put on their profile photos are photos of themselves sticking out their tongue a la Miley Cyrus style. Observe:

How on earth is this attractive? This doesn't make me think, "Oh, I wonder what his tongue is like!" It makes me think, "This guy must me a real idiot if he's a professional but keep sticking his tongue out in photos like a small child." 

Ugh. I think most people like a little tongue, but not before you even meet.