Just One More Day

Two weeks ago, I was notified that my ex co-worker, "Angie," was found dead in her car. The news shocked me. Her death had been in the news, but I never expected it to be her. I saw her only days prior to her death, and she was happy, upbeat, and cheerful.

My life had changed radically over the last month. A larger law firm found out about me. A head hunter working for the firm contacted me. The law firm was my dream firm, one I had always wanted to work for. The partner saw my resume, scheduled me for an interview, and two days later I was hired. The story surrounding the interview is pretty humorous, but I'll save that for another post. The bottom line is that my life was getting a lot better. I was even hired for the money that I wanted, and it was a considerable chunk of money more per year than my old firm was paying me.

I gave my two-week notice. I was excited to leave my old firm. Angie was happy for me as well. I only knew her for roughly three months, but her death reminded me that there is a lot more going on with people under the surface than meets the eye.

Angie used to irritate me at work. I didn't like her much, and I wasn't very fond of her dog, either. It was a fat chihuahua that used to shit all over the office. I also used to be irritated about how she would flaunt her new boyfriend in the office. He knew her for a few days and was already sending flowers to her at the office. She was on cloud 9. After a while, the boyfriend thing seemed to simmer down.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think Angie should have died. She was only 26. Looking back, I realize now that she took emotions to the extreme. I wish I could have done more for her. I wish I could have realized it at the time, instead of now.

For a brief period, Angie tried stealing my work at the old firm. I know that most people get catapulted to instant sainthood after death, but Angie will always be just Angie to me. When I caught on to what she was doing with the cases I was working on, I did nothing. I let it go. I didn't think it was worth making waves because it was minor, but it inhibited me from trusting her. I started behaving dryly towards her. Angie picked up on it. After a few days, she confronted me in my office one morning.

She walked in, closed the door, and she looked calm.
"I need to talk to you."
"Sure, about what?"
"Oh, I think you know."
"Actually, I don't... can you enlighten me?"

Angie started to look like she was about to cry. Apparently, the managing attorney for the firm, the big boss, caught on to what Angie was doing on the cases and had given her a stern reprimand. Angie started apologizing profusely to me, saying how much she looked up to me. Her eyes started to tear. She told me that she never meant to offend me and that she knew she was no where near my level. I was surprised by all of it, including how emotional Angie was getting over it. I told her to relax, that I wasn't offended, and that all was well. After that day, I softened up towards her and gave her advice on legal practice. I just chalked it all up to her being an immature "baby lawyer." She was only 26 and barely out of law school.

Angie seemed to perk up after that. After a while, I noticed she would keep the door to her office closed. Out of the blue one day, she cleaned her office from top to bottom. We thought she was getting ready to quit.

One of the paralegals told me that Angie would huff a lot about the lack of work she was receiving. A few weeks later, Angie asked me if I could give her some work. By that time, I had given my two-week notice to the big boss. I asked Angie to work on a few motions that I needed to get done. She was excited and got to work immediately on it. She did a good job on the work I gave her, and I told her so. She was a smart girl and I told her that I trusted her work. She then complained to me about how the big boss wasn't giving her enough work. She was dissatisfied. I reminded her that she was still fresh to legal practice. I told her to be patient, and eventually she would have her own caseload. She hadn't even been at the firm for three months yet.

I saw her three days before she died. It was my last day at the old firm. Angie was happy for me. She asked me about my new firm. She was like a small puppy. She told me how the big boss had immediately started giving her more work to do now that I was leaving. She was excited, but she had bigger dreams. She then shared her dreams with me. She wanted to leave the firm in a year. She wanted to get some experience and open her own firm. Her eyes sparkled as she shared her dreams with me.

She told me how much she wanted to be like me. "You're such a bad ass. I hope I can be as good of a lawyer as you." My heart melted when she said that. I told her that she would. I told her she could do anything she wanted to do - all she had to do was go for it. She pitched the idea of us going into practice together. "Wouldn't that be awesome?" she asked me with a huge smile on her face. I smiled back at her. "Sure!" I didn't mean it at the time, but I said it like I did. I wanted her to be happy. I liked her smile.

When it was time for me to leave, I gave everyone a hug. Angie's hug was the warmest. She didn't just hug me - she held me, just a little longer than a hug would have lasted. She squeezed me tightly. I was leaving for a conference that I was already signed up to attend. Angie wanted to get together when I got back. I told her we would, but we never did.

I drove back on a Saturday. One of the paralegals texted me the news that Angie was found dead in the parking lot of a hardware store in her car. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. She didn't know the cause of death, but police didn't think it was foul play. The paralegal promised to keep me informed if she heard anything about the cause of death or the funeral.

I knew that Angie had a neurological issue and a heart issue. Her neurological issue was one that caused her to pass out randomly. I immediately ruled out suicide. The girl had it all - she had a law degree, she was smart, she was starting her career, she had plans, she was gorgeous, and she had a new boyfriend. I also ruled out drug overdose because she was such a fitness freak. I theorized that she passed out in her car and died of heatstroke because the windows were rolled up. It seemed logical. That's what I believed. I convinced myself of my own theory.

I got the news of her memorial. I planned to go to it with people from my old office. The big boss couldn't be bothered to attend Angie's funeral. The accountant had a class. The paralegal that had broken the news to me suddenly had a sick cat that she had to take to the vet. All of it outraged me. This was Angie. Can't we honor her?

I rode with another paralegal that I was close with. She was about my mother's age, and she was a huge gossip. If anyone had any information about anything, it would be her. On the drive to the church, I immediately tried pumping her for information. She gushed.

Angie shot herself in the head. There was blood spatter all over the car and all over the work computer. The computer was how the office found out about it. The police notified the big boss that they were holding on to the computer for investigation.

After I left the office, Angie disclosed that she had cervical cancer. The boyfriend Angie had was actually a married man who dumped her to go back to his wife. Angie had high hopes for him. The paralegal told me that Angie had created a "bucket list" to do with him. She had only dated him for a month. She told him that they were going to do everything on the list, but randomly. Angie told him that she would call him and give him ten minutes to get ready, and off they would go. The boyfriend thought she was nuts. Shortly after that was when he dumped her. The day that Angie shot herself was the day of or the day after the married man broke up with her.

Knowing Angie, she must have felt devastated and didn't have the emotional stability to deal with it. I'm sure she had more going on that she was upset about. She didn't call anyone. She must have withdrawn into herself, into that darkness, and concocted a plan to relieve herself of her emotional pain. I wish she hadn't gone through with it. I wish she had waited for the pain to pass.

I know what that darkness is like. A few years ago, I was in a deep depression. I never told anyone because I didn't want to bring anyone into the darkness. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was ugly for it. I couldn't get out of bed. I cried myself to sleep frequently. I hated waking up in the mornings. I didn't want to face the world. I didn't want to go to work. I just wanted to withdraw into myself and stay away from people. I was like this for months, but nobody knew because to the rest of the world, I would smile, laugh, and joke like I always did. My smile hid my pain.

I remember one night, it got really bad. I wanted to die. It was all I could think about. I was consumed by the allure of death. I took some steps to make it happen. I almost made it happen. I remember the following day, I was half angry and half relieved that I wasn't dead. Today, I'm really glad that I'm alive because I have so much to live for, and so did Angie. Death isn't worth it. I wish Angie had waited one more day because she would have seen that darkness disappear. She would have realized that the darkness is temporary. She would have realized that it's not worth dying.

The memorial for Angie angered me. It was a non-denominational Christian service. The preacher was terrible and barely said anything about Angie's life. The whole service was geared at converting people. It didn't feel like it was honoring Angie.

The paralegal and I went out for lunch after the memorial. We went to an eclectic restaurant that I like to frequent. We toasted to Angie - to the girl with the bright smile, may you rest in peace.

To anyone else reading this who is thinking about suicide - please don't do it. Please wait just one more day. Any time that darkness is consuming you, just wait one more day. Always wait one more day. I promise that the darkness will pass.

Negativity

Have you ever noticed that whenever you come across some happiness in love, there's always those people who want to crap all over it? You know who I'm talking about - the people who want to criticize, tell you why you need to be careful, tell you why you should keep your "options open" even though you're in a committed relationship, and tell you why things aren't what they seem to you.

This is negativity. All of those criticisms aren't cautious advice. It's not someone being a friend. It's that "friend" being a hater.

This past weekend, I was away for business and spent time with two different friends of mine who exhibited this negative behavior. When I came home, I had to wash the stink of their negativity off me. I'll call them "Dina" and "Alexa."

Dina is a few years older than me. She was a law school classmate. After telling her about my newest love interest, she started to rain down with unwelcome advice on me. I politely, but sternly, told her that when I want her advice, I'll ask for it. She apologized and changed her tune the following day, but the rest of the weekend was still filled with negativity towards relationships in general.

Dina had gone through a divorce years prior. It was clear that the divorce still affected her. Dina had a warped view of men. According to her, they are all cheaters, liars, and thieves in relationships. Men, according to Dina, are not to be trusted. Relationships are shams. She claims to be too busy for a relationship. She never goes out. She never dates, because she never knows when the person she is dating will turn into someone that might become relevant to a case of hers. "I never shit where I eat!" she would proudly proclaim to me. My response to her was that she was shutting herself out of an entire world of possibilities and putting a block on her heart. Dina constantly talked about work - the lawyers she has gone against, her cases, her trials. I commend her for her professional achievements, but beyond her small county, nobody knows who she is or these lawyers she's gone against. Dina is not Johnnie Cochran, but in her mind she is, and every client of hers is OJ Simpson. In her mind, she is the quintessential woman lawyer to ever have lived. God forbid a man add to her happiness.

One evening, I told her she should allow herself to get to know someone. She kept repeating to me, "I don't need a man to make me happy." My response to her was this, "Nobody should need another person to make them happy, but there's nothing wrong with allowing someone to make you happy." I then pointed to her a poem by the great Khalil Gibran. In his work The Prophet, Gibran's character, Almitra, preaches to the people about various topics, including marriage. Here's an excerpt:

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

This is what marriage is - the coming together of two distinct individuals that become one, but they are not overcome by the other. They are together and distinct at the same time.

After I explained this concept to her, Dina pondered for a moment. I then told her that she is never going to get close to anyone until she removes the self-imposed block on her heart. It's not that other people are evil or pose an obstacle for her. It's that she makes other people evil or makes them into an obstacle.

Now, let's turn to Alexa. Alexa is a woman in her mid-twenties. Although Alexa allows herself to become involved in relationships, she still shares the negativity quality of Dina. Alexa is the serial dater. During the years I've known Alexa, she's always had two men lined up every time she has had a break-up. The woman has never been single for more than a week. In many respects, Alexa is like Dina. Although she dates, she never allows any man to make a significant connection with her. Alexa's relationships are filled with dates, sex, and parties. There's never a true development to lead to anything seriously. Alexa's relationships have never progressed beyond the traditional one-year period. After one year, Alexa is single with two more men lined up. Even while in the relationship, Alexa is still talking to other men, keeping them on the backburner until her main squeeze has been squeezed out. Alexa attempted to counsel me on her methods, attempting to convince me that I should date other people, even if I am committed to one person. Her reasoning was that men don't always commit, so why should we? I politely declined her advice.

We have two different women - one who stays away completely from relationships, and the other who uses them and switches them out like purses to an outfit. At the end of the day, both women will always remain single, not because they are undesirable or unfit. They will always remain single because they choose to be single. They choose to be single because they harbor a negative mindset towards men and relationships.

I've learned over time that a negative mindset is what dooms any relationship. One can't go into a relationship waiting for the bottom to fall out. If that's what you expect to happen, it will. If you go into a relationship with happiness and positivity, then you will receive happiness and positivity.

It's all about perception, and when it comes to love, what you see is what you get.

Fake Friends Are True Enemies

Here's a basic rule about making friends at work: don't. Just don't.

I would estimate that 99% of people who you think are your friends from work aren't your friends at all. The moment that their needs change based on your position, they will disappear. After quitting my job, I was faced with the reality that the majority of people that I thought were allies were always just snakes in the grass, generating and circulating rumors about me.

I remember that after I had quit and my old office announced my departure, my phone was flooded with three different types of inquiries. The first type was - "Are you okay? What happened?" because God forbid I decide to do something for myself, and these people were just fishing for information. The second type was - "Why didn't you say anything to me?" as if I had some kind of obligation to clue people in to my personal plans. The third type was - "Wow! Good for you! Let's catch up!"  because these people were actually happy that I escaped an environment that wasn't working for me.

Most people fell into the first and second categories. About three people fell into the third category. The people that fell into the third category are the ones I still talk to from what I like to call "my old life." The people from the first two categories are the ones who started a lot of the gossip, didn't keep in touch, and were only looking for something from me to validate their petty conspiracy theories. Good drama makes good gossip, but good gossip doesn't make good friends.

In law, I've realized that it's better to keep to yourself. When you want to make a career move, you have zero obligation to tell anyone else about it. The people who feel that you do owe them some explanation for your life and your choices are the ones who are not authentic. A real friend accepts your choices and doesn't try to concoct explanations for why you do things. A real friend remains patient because a real friend knows that you'll be ready to talk whenever you're ready to talk.

Work "friends" are the worst because they are the ones who will take your information to use it to their advantage. They will try to twist and manipulate once you're not there to defend yourself, all to elevate themselves. They want to make themselves look like heroes, because how dare you leave them behind to their pettiness.

It's been refreshing to purge myself of all of the gunk I had in my life. When it comes to work, know that there will always be snakes in the grass. That's just how work environments are. People call themselves a team, but the truth of it is that everyone will throw you under the bus if it means they can get ahead.

When it comes to work, trust no one. They might smile at you, and seem kind and endearing, but know that what they carry behind their backs is a long knife with your name on it.


photo credit: https://www.friendsquotation.com/18425/fake-friends-believe-in-rumors.php

Breaking the Rules

As a lawyer, I love the rules. I treasure them. Good rules, a.k.a. good law, make for good order. They're great because everyone knows what is and what isn't okay. They usually make life easier, but sometimes they can also stress a person out, especially when it comes to areas that don't always operate in nice, neat little dimensions. Love is such an example. 

When it came to my dating life, I had a set of rules that I had collected and formulated over the years from different dating books that I'd read. Most of the time, they worked. Obviously, however, they didn't work completely because, well, I'm still single and in my thirties. Some people could say, well it's because you haven't met the right guy yet. Well, duh, I'm not going to marry the first yutz I come across. When it came to selecting my next guy, I had a list of criteria that I wanted. 

Over time, the list became longer and longer. It reached a point where I thought, who gives a shit about the rest of this stuff? Is it really necessary? 

So I narrowed my list of 30 things to a simple 6. 

Here's my list: 

(1) The guy needs to be a professional. I need a man with a good career and a steady job. I'm a lawyer, but I don't plan on becoming a sugar mama. If I wanted a baby, I'd go to a fertility clinic and get myself impregnated. 

(2) The guy needs to be within my age range. I don't see myself dating a 21-year-old. 

(3) The guy needs to have a good set of values and beliefs that are similar to mine. If he's out every night at the strip club, or if he's going to be scoffing at Catholicism every 5 minutes, or if he's a xenophobe, he's not my type. End of story. There's just no negotiation here. 

(4) The guy needs to accept me as I am, whether I'm 5 pounds overweight, or Catholic, or whatever. He can't ask me to change. If he's trying to change me, he's not for me. 

(5) The guy needs to be caring and reciprocal of my feelings. He needs to be the type to make me feel good about myself, even when I feel like a hot mess. 

(6) I need to feel attracted to him. He doesn't need to be Tom Cruise or Mr. McDreamy, but I need to want to jump his bones. He doesn't need to be the hottest guy in the world or the most muscular, but I need to find him attractive. This actually goes without saying. 

In the past, I would've only gone for a guy who was super built, or very very tall. I certainly never would've dated a guy who was only now switching careers. 

Yet, I find myself dating a guy who is my height, who isn't super muscular, who is switching careers. I normally never would have looked twice at this guy, but when I started talking to him and giving him a chance, he started to win me over a little. One date turned into two, and here I am a month later. 

Don't get it twisted - I don't know if this is the "forever" guy. I'm just taking things slowly and seeing where they go. The bottom line about all of this is maybe, sometimes, you just need to stop making things difficult for yourself. Maybe, when you let go, you'll meet somebody very nice who makes you feel pretty and valued. Maybe you'll meet someone who likes you for you, and respects you and everything you've built for yourself. He respects your thoughts, your feelings, and your opinions. He accepts you as you are, and not what he wants you to be. 

I think the hardest part about dating someone new now, after being single for three years, is letting myself open up. After all the hard betrayals I've had over the years from ex's - from my latest ex who was abusive and was cheating, to another who cheated on me, to another who wanted me to change who I was at my core, it's been tough for me to say, "Okay, I'll give this another shot." Not just that, but the betrayals I've had recently from a bunch of "friends" (and I use this term loosely) from my old job who acted like they would have my back only to turn on me as soon as the wind changed haven't made me exactly willing to open my arms to new people. 

I still have faith to move forward. That's the foundation for all of this. It's why the six criteria I've laid out were forged. I have faith to move forward, to break all the old rules and allow myself to meet someone new. Love doesn't need to be so difficult. 

The final barrier is the one I built around my heart. I might let people up to the gate, but it'll be a while before I let them in to the inner sanctum of my heart. 

All things take time, but break some needless rules to let that time begin.

photo credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/432416001697850789

I'm back! And with a whole lot of changes

photo credit: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/top-10-reasons-why-you-need-switch-new-job-now-greg-brown

In my last post, I let you know that I was taking some time off for myself because I wasn't happy. 

It was more than being unhappy. I was in absolute misery. 

Imagine being 32 years old. You're single. You're in a job that is so full of bureaucracy and bull shit that you're disgusted on a daily basis. You don't feel like you're growing in your career. You're surrounded by a lot of fake people. Your job eats up so much of your time that you barely have time to look for a new one. 

So what do you do? 

You quit. 

That's right. I quit my job. Literally. I walked. I jumped out of the plane and I had no idea what color my parachute was. 

I'll never forget how I felt when I walked out of that building after I quit. It was the best feeling of relief. I was now free to shape myself in the all-American pursuit of happiness. 

The following day, my office announced my departure in an email. My cell phone became flooded with messages from people asking why I left. I hadn't really told anybody what I was feeling. Some people took it personally and felt offended that I didn't say anything to them. Others wanted to see how I was doing. Then there were the gossips - those who barely said two words to me while I was there, and suddenly were interested in knowing all about me. They just wanted intel to go back and feed back to their gossip lines. Remember what I said before? Lawyers love three things: alcohol, sex, and gossip. 

I didn't want to respond to anybody. So I didn't. This period was going to be all about me, without anyone questioning me, without anyone offering me unsolicited advice, without any negativity. My life was about to go on a wild reset. 

My new full-time job was deciding what job I wanted and how to get it. I went about researching, asking questions of people in the field, and applying to jobs that I wanted. After a month, I got an offer with a start date a few weeks later. 

I've been at my new job for a while now, and it's much better pay, much less stress, and my co-workers are fabulous. I'm learning new things, meeting new people, and I'm excited about the future.

Not everyone from my old life decided to walk with me into my new life. A lot of people, for whatever reason, stopped talking to me. Part of me wonders if it was because of politics. In my area of the world, there's been some campaigning occurring, and people are taking sides. One of the candidates was someone I worked with and remained friends with. A lot of people didn't like that, so they dropped me. Unfortunately for them, I am fresh out of f*cks to give. 

My work life isn't the only thing that's changed. 

The love department has been cooking up a storm. 

After I got more settled in at my job, I decided to start dating again. I've met someone that I really like. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I think this can really go somewhere. We'll see where things go. 

There's something to be said for taking control of your own destiny. I got stuck in this mentality that I couldn't move forward, that this was the life I was condemned to live. One day, while I was out running, I thought, Why? Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I break these chains? 

I did what nobody was expecting. I broke the chains. I left behind the negativity. I cut out every single person and voice that was holding me back or who made me feel bad about myself. I was sick of it. I was sick of all of it. I moved forward. 

And guess what? 

I'm not looking back. 

Endings, Beginnings, and No Apologies

Over the last few months, I had done a lot of soul searching. I haven't been happy with the direction of my life. I have been feeling like a plant that is outgrowing its pot. It's time for me to put down new roots. 

I've made some radical decisions in order to make that happen. It's time for the Single Beauty to truly remain the Single Beauty and move forward on a new path. 

With the hustle and bustle of daily life, it was clear that I couldn't focus on me. I was focusing on everything else but me. I found that I was becoming increasingly unhappy in my career and in my personal life. 

This is not where I thought I would be in 2017. 

It's time for me to take time to myself and focus on forging a new path. 

This is not a goodbye, but this is a "see you later." 

The Action Shot

It's been a while (almost a month!) since I've ventured into a date. So far, the new year has only revealed more douchebags that I really have no desire to go on a date with. I've noticed a growing trend in what I like to call "the action shot." It seems that men think that if they post a clever pose of themselves in some type of action, it will increase their chances with women. I must be the odd woman out since these photos don't pique my intrigue in the least. Observe:

Specimen 1:

Yes. Specimen 1 posted a photograph of himself wandering aimlessly in an aquarium. Is he trying to convey the message of, "Hey, I can appreciate nature! I'm also an intellectual type, since I can learn about these magnificent creatures in an aquarium." It's just an odd photo, and who on earth was taking the picture? A ex-girlfriend? 

On to Specimen 2: 

En garde! He is coming after your heart! Notice that I said your heart, not my heart. Okay, he looks like he could be fun, and that he has a sense of humor, but actually POSTING this photo screams nerd. It might be a cute facebook photo to post, but this does not scream attractive at all. Again, who the hell was photographing this guy? 

Let's move to Specimen 3: 

This picture says to me, "Hey, I might be tatted up, and my room might be super messy, but I am an intellectual. Look at me, I'm in an intellectual pose." This is, no doubt, a selfie designed to raise his image. I give the guy credit for trying. 

Here's a really fun, egotistical guy, Specimen 4: 

This looks like a family member could have snapped this wonderful action pose. He is at some sort of gathering, apparently a barbecue. Oh look! He's in the middle of telling a joke or a funny story! It's as if he's saying in this photo, "Let me tell you about this one!" I'm not impressed. 

Here is the biggest douche out of the bunch, Specimen 5: 

This was probably pulled out of some photographer's website that he spotted himself in. You can see he's holding a drink, and he's in a crowd of people. For him to actually look straight at a camera, smile, and point is the epitome of douchebaggery. It's as if he's saying by posting this photo, "Hey baby, you could be the one for me!" No thanks. I swiped left. If I smell douche, I run the other way. Who has time for that mess? 

So far, the dating prospects of 2017 are not looking so hot.