Blank Canvas

Few things irritate me more than a man who doesn't complete his profile. I call him "The Blank Canvas." Look at this example: 

All I know about this guy is that he likes to drink socially and smoke occasionally. Wow, how descriptive! His summary doesn't help much either. Most of the time, these men claim that they want the singleton to approach them and ask them for all of this information. 

This approach sucks for two reasons. First, it is a waste of time for the singleton if the inquiring singleton actually has standards (like me). Second, a singleton who thinks this approach is bull shit (also like me) won't even bother. If a singleton who thinks the approach is bull shit gets a message from a Blank Canvas, then the singleton will first look at photos, decide if the Canvas is attractive, and may or may not reply. At this point, the paid date site has been reduced to Tinder. 

He's not working for a relationship. He's working for a hook-up. If he can't spend five minutes on his profile giving basic information, then it is a good indication he  won't be willing to put time and effort into a relationship and is looking for a hook-up. For the singleton looking for a hook-up, this guy might be okay, but more likely than not he won't be good for more than five minutes, if that. 

A Blank Canvas is boring, and who wants boring? Part of finding a match is getting to know each other. If one person isn't giving any information, then what's the point? 

Cat Man

"Cat Lady" means a woman who is single, alone, and attached to her cat for companionship. I recently discovered that a parallel exists for the man. I call him "Cat Man." Observe:

Now, I know that there's going to be a good chunk of women out there reading this who are going to say, "That's not creepy! It's sweet! It's shows that he's sensitive!" To these women I say this: I don't want to date a Cat Man. The caption of the first photo is creepy, too. "Daddy's lap" is creepy. The other fellow who had the cat perched on his shoulder like a feline Iago on Jafar's shoulder is odd. I will admit, the cats are cute, but it doesn't change the red flag that comes with Cat Man. A Cat Man is usually too sensitive, not very manly, and doesn't work his body up.

I'm also prejudiced because I'm a dog person.

I'm also allergic to cats.

Dating Yourself

Today, I was fortunate enough to have the day off from work. I am equally fortunate to live less than 30 minutes away from a beautiful beach. I decided to take myself on a date. I went to the beach.

Being single again means you need to be yourself again. I recall so many times that I had adopted some of the same activities, likes, and dislikes of my ex. We spent a good deal of time together. After we broke up, I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to be alone. I was uncomfortable with myself.

My friends, being single means you are in a relationship with yourself. Even while dating, you will always have a relationship with yourself. It's important not to neglect it because it means you are neglecting yourself.

How do you learn to be by yourself again? You learn it by doing it.

As I lay alone on the beach, I allowed my heart to open up to God. I lifted my spirit up in a silent prayer, thanking God for everything I had and asking for help for others. After I prayed, I simply lay still. I listened to the waves gently caressing the shore. I listened to the occasional laughter of the sea gulls. I watching the pelicans make their rounds in search of some fish with which to nourish themselves. I was alone with nature, and it was perfect.

The world does not need my constant attention. Sometimes, it's good to take time  away from the rest of the world and disconnect with it in order to reconnect with myself.

Always take care of yourself first. Only if you can take care of yourself will you be able to take care of another. Put yourself first. Love yourself. Date yourself. Be yourself.

It is only in loving ourselves that we develop the ability to love others.

One Cocky S.O.B.

Women like a man with confidence. There's a difference between confidence and cockiness. If a man is cocky, he is a Cocky S.O.B. I can't stand the Cocky S.O.B.

A Cocky S.O.B. messaged me. I looked at his profile. He was too young, had little education, and his profile picture screamed "Cocky S.O.B." My analysis: do not engage. I didn't respond to his message.

OkCupid has a fun little feature that allows a member to be notified when another member has viewed his or her profile. Said feature notified the Cocky S.O.B. that I viewed his profile. This is when he sent me this: 

As you can see, I immediately smacked down the Cocky S.O.B. You can tell from his smirk on his profile picture that he thinks he is the cat's meow. He is more like the cat's hairball by my standards. 

It's good to be confident, but to be overconfident is to be a Cocky S.O.B., and a cat's unattractive, undesirable hairball. 

Drunk Texting

The female singleton can be easily turned off by a male she's never met when that male displays any sort of bizarre or immature behavior prior to the first meeting. Observe: 

Meet Jim. Jim is from Match.com. Jim met all of my initial dating criteria: good looks, fitness, education, and a stable career. After a few emails, I gave Jim my number. As you can see, Jim has one problem: he's one crazy little horndog! 

There are so many angles I can take with this text message. I had gotten done telling him I was going to bed and I said good night. To most speakers of the English language, "good night" is an indication that the conversation is over. It is not an invitation to receive further text messages, like "ohhhh" and "mmmmm" or at 3:56 a.m. "I want to snuggle with you hun and give you kisses all over boo." Boo? Who says boo? Boo is what you say to a dog, not to a grown woman. 

I told Jim the next day that he needed to tone it down. I told him that his late night messages turned me off, and that he hasn't even met me yet. Jim never responded, and rightly so. I'm pretty sure that Jim realized what an idiot he is to send these types of messages to a woman he hasn't met yet. 

The lesson for the day: don't send crazy drunk texts to someone you've never met from an online dating site. If you think you're being cute, then know that you're not cute. In fact, you're showing that you're crazy, and you're going to make the person that you're texting think that you'll present bigger problems down the line. 

Drunk texting usually means drunk idiot, and who wants to date a drunk idiot? 

Bottoms Up

Tinder is a blast. You can swipe gleefully to the right. You can swipe gleefully to the left. A new person for your flash judgment is always waiting. Sometimes, you are in awe of a beautiful specimen and swipe right hoping that the beautiful specimen will, too, swipe right. Sometimes, however, you are brought to shock. Observe:

It is photos like these that make you pause from your Tinder swiping and think, "What the f***?" I don't know where along the way Eric up there thought a photo of his bare ass would be a sure way to reel the ladies in, or why David thinks a photo with an upward direction (perhaps to make women think about what it would be like to be on their knees in front him committing some sex acts) with his pierced nipples exposed would surely cause ladies to swoon. 

I am neither reeled nor swooning. I am certainly reeling. I am reeling in amazement of what these men must have been thinking when they created their Tinder profiles.

I swiped left across Eric's ass and David's nipples.

And so... I continued swiping. 

The Older Stripper

In a past post, I wrote about the stripper who tried to get into my pants. My friends, it has happened again, except via Internet. Meet this guy, who originally portrayed himself as someone within my age range:

Yes. This man used to be a stripper. It made for some good first conversation. It begs the question, if a man is posting this as his main picture, how serious is he? I gave him a shot and continued to engage in email conversation. He didn't seem too bad, until this: 

This little exchange above begs the next question, what the f***? This guy deserves to have the Bull Shit Flag tattooed on his chest because this is a prime example of what I discussed in an earlier post - older men trying to lure younger women. He posts a rather provocative photo of himself, then suddenly realizes a while later that his age is incorrect because his "friend" put in the wrong birth year. If someone is blaming a "friend" for some act of dishonesty, excuse yourself and go raise the Bull Shit Flag. 

This man is more than 15 years my senior. I hate men who lie, and if they do it from day 1, then they will continue doing through day 9,000. He acts so dismayed that I rejected him because of his age. What did this guy expect? 

Being single is hard, but living with someone who constantly lies is even harder. Don't settle for less than what you want. If a man is lying to you because of something his "friend" did, know that it was his own plot and leave the douche behind you. 

Besides, how trustworthy is a stripper anyway? 

The Psychopath

Give your number out with caution because you never know if the receiver is a psychopath. I learned too late that you can obtain a fake number through Google or other wonderful portals that can easily be deleted and replaced with a new number. If you don't do that and give your real number out, then you run the risk of having a psychopath stuck to you like glue. A psychopath as used here is anyone who refuses to take "no" for an answer, stalks you by following you, cyberstalks you, calls you incessantly, or otherwise engages in abnormal behavior thinking you can be wooed. The psychopath never leaves you alone unless a court orders him to do so.

Unfortunately for me, I have acquired my own psychopath after being freed from my abusive ex. Observe:

Let me talk to you about this little gem. I exchanged a few emails with him in POF when I was freshly single. After the exchange, as most females may do, I agreed to give my number. After the phone conversation, I decided that I wasn't interested because the man sounded like an idiot. I politely told him that I wasn't interested in meeting him and wished him well.

He could not take "no" for an answer. He will NOT leave me alone, not even almost a year later. 

He proceeded to send me pictures of his penis, telling me what I was missing. He also cussed me out, and wouldn't stop calling my phone. I had my carrier block his number, but those blocks last only 3 months before the carrier requires you to renew the block. 

As soon as the block expired, he began to text me and call me again. He switches screen names on POF routinely to message me. I have reported him and blocked him on POF. He is a textbook psychopath. He has made an appearance again this week. Of course, I have blocked him again, but I'm sure he will find another way to contact me. I am seriously considering getting an injunction against stalking. I am now preserving all of the messages to build a case when I do apply for the injunction. 

A word to the wise: be careful giving out your number to a fish in the ocean of dating. You never know what you will get. 

Solving Double Booking

The singleton who tries to put herself out there occasionally makes mistakes. Occasionally, the singleton may accidentally swipe right on Tinder on someone who is less than attractive. Occasionally, the singleton may accidentally swipe right on Tinder on someone who is outside the singleton's age range. Occasionally, the singleton may double-book herself with both of the afore-mentioned individuals.

Such a situation occurred to me today. While happily swiping through the Tinder world, I may have gotten a little too swipe-happy and swiped right on a man who was not the fittest, but was definitely smart and very sweet. He was somewhat attractive. I maintained the match. As we talked, I learned that he was a teacher. He was a practicing Catholic, as I was. His family was from New England, and he loved college football as much as I did. I thought to myself, okay - forget looks. Let's see how the date goes. I agreed to a date for today, Wednesday. 

The second individual I have no idea why he appeared on my Tinder. I think he appeared on the upper end of my age range. His photograph was questionable, but he looked like he might be cute. Honestly, he reminded me a lot of my ex who I dated before the abusive ex. My abusive ex's predecessor looked like Clark Kent from Superman. I originally agreed for a coffee date in the afternoon at a coffee shop near my work. However, upon further consideration, I decided not to meet with him because I didn't want to be spotted by other lawyers. 

Let me tell you something about lawyers. Lawyers love three things: (1) sex, (2) alcohol, and (3) gossip. Lawyers tend to be the most promiscuous, booziest, and chattiest bunch there is, aside from doctors. They love to get laid, they love to party, and they love to talk. Throw one little breath of possible scandal and they're all over it like a bunch of piranhas. I wanted to avoid the piranhas. 

I asked Tinder Dude #2 if we could meet right after work at another coffee shop. I totally forgot about my date with Tinder Dude #1. Thinking I could easily solve this problem, I then bumped my date back with Tinder Dude #1 back to later in the evening. I wasn't really jazzed about having two dates in a row and in the same evening. Here's why: if one date sucks, it takes away the energy for the second date. If they both suck, then it's a total waste of an evening. 

I was discussing the double-booking dilemma with one of my office friends at the end of the work day and how I wasn't too sure about either Tinder Dude. I pulled them up to show her their pictures. Lo and behold, Tinder Dude #2's age magically changed by about 5 years! A few minutes later, it fluctuated again. Within the span of 10 minutes, his age changed about 3 times. Suspecting foul play, I messaged him the following:

"Hey! I didn't realize you were XX years old. That's outside my age range. Sorry!" 

This little message angered Tinder Dude #2. He promptly unmatched himself with me, a deed that I was thankful for because it saved me the trouble of doing it myself. I proceeded to bump up my date with Tinder Dude #1. 

Tinder Dude #1 was great. He was a perfect gentleman. He was everything I was looking for... except for his looks. I hate to say it, but I didn't feel any physical attraction. I didn't want to jump his bones. I could definitely keep him as a friend, but nothing more. Was the date a waste of time? Not totally, but we'll see if he is okay with friendship. 

He texted me afterwards saying how great it was to meet me. I felt the same way, but I don't want to date the man. Normally, if I completely get repulsed by someone, I flat out say I don't feel any chemistry and wish the person luck. This time, I didn't want to completely blow him off so soon after the first meeting. I'll break the friend zone news gently to him, the way a parent tells a child that Santa doesn't really exist. 

Let's Get Naked

Everyone has, at some point, looked at someone and wondered what that person looks like naked. Then, once the person is mentally stripped down, a step further is taken - what is that person like at SEX?

I will be the first to admit that I go through this analytical process all the time, especially with people of romantic interest. Come on, if I don't want to knock boots with you at some point, then why are we dating? Sex isn't everything, but it's integral. 

Some men in the dating portals like to help women out with this visualization by removing the guesswork. Observe: 

I try to preserve anonymity to a certain degree, but this guy above is one that I really wish I didn't black out. He has some of the craziest eyes I've ever seen. If you'd like a good comparison, look up "Crazy Eyes" from the Netflix show "Orange Is the New Black." Picture those eyes on this guy and you'll get the full effect, but I digress. 

The photo on the left is this guy with his shirt on. The photo on the right is this guy with his shirt off. Wow. What a hunk? This side-by-side that he posted communicates two things: (1) he wants you to see him naked and (2) he's ready to go. 

"But wait!" you chime. "His profile says he is looking for a sweet girl!" Ah, let me go raise the Bull Shit Flag. Any man who is looking for a quality woman does not put it out there like that, just like a quality woman does not put it out there for a man so quickly. 

Let's check out our next example: 

Okay, I'll admit that when I got a message from this guy, all I could think about was sex. As you can see in the picture, mercury is certainly rising and in the best way. This guy would make a great romp, but that's all he is looking for - a romp. For the singleton who wants to get her rocks off, this guy is a fantastic choice because he does not want commitment and will give you sex without giving you drama. 

If a man who posts a shirtless or otherwise provocative photo says he wants commitment, excuse yourself and go raise the Bull Shit Flag. That line is additional ploy to keep you around longer. There's nothing wrong with a good romp, but remember this: people create their profiles and post their photos based on who they are and what they want for that time. If you're getting mixed signals when you're looking for something serious, move on. If you don't care, then play a bit, but don't get involved for more than a day or two. Enter any situation with both eyes open, but don't be Crazy Eyes. 

If a man is stripping down for you before you've even met, then he's looking for a romp. If he's looking for a romp, you can either rock the bed with him or roll on out. 

Volcanos

Relationships are volcanos. Pictured above is a view of the Arenal volcano in Costa Rica. I found this to be fitting for today's post because it serves as a reminder that a relationship is beautiful when it's peaceful, but it can easily awaken and turn into something even more special or become a total nightmare.

In speaking with the locals who live near it, I've learned many things about the Arenal volcano. The last eruption occurred in 2010, destroying a town that was near the volcano. A few years ago, at night, the volcano used to emit sparks, revealing beautiful colors that delighted all eyes that fell upon it. The volcano is now dormant. Despite being a thing to be feared, it is also a thing that is embraced and celebrated by the people.

Likewise, relationships are beautiful, but sometimes they can bring destruction. They can become toxic, unforgiving, and change your character. They can also be beautiful and enhance your life for the better. Either way, volcanos and relationships both bring change, and that is not a bad thing.

The key is this: when change comes, it's better to embrace it than to fight it. This is how we grow as humans. Celebrate the relationship that brings you fulfillment. Celebrate the relationship that brought you pain. Celebrate either way, because either way, you learn and you become better.