I'd like to talk about something that most people don't talk about, or even believe. I have a very ugly word to dish out. Are you ready?
Abuse.
I mentioned in my first post that I came out of an abusive relationship. What I didn't mention is that I've been in counseling for almost a year because of it. Today was my last session.
I never thought I would slip into a relationship like this. I never thought I would need counseling. Please allow me to share my story. If my story can help one person, then I will be happy.
My ex is a federal agent. He was a year younger than me. I had hesitation dating a law enforcement officer for two reasons: statistically high levels of abuse, and statistically high levels of infidelity. After I expressed my hesitation to him, he told me his first two lies in our relationship - he would never abuse me, and he would never cheat on me.
The relationship started out beautifully. It seemed like we were meant to be together, like we just clicked. He promised he would always protect me, always be with me. In fact, he always was with me. When we went out with my friends, he was always by my side. He stuck to me like glue. He always wanted to crash girls nights. I didn't think he was being controlling. I thought he was being sweet. When things were good, they were wonderful, but things didn't stay good. The brightness started to fade, and the fantasy was starting to blur.
He began to turn rather dark. I saw more of his temper. His temper was scary. I began to suspect he was seeing other women, or was starting to see other women. He had many female "friends" that he said I couldn't meet. They would call him or text him. One of them had sent him a text message saying, "Does my sex still take you to paradise?" I ignored the message, and he swore he never saw the message. Eight months later, he confessed to lying to me about it. We were on a cruise for my birthday when he came clean. Talk about misery - being caught on a ship with a lying asshole was not ideal.
Every time we had a fight, it was my fault, or so I believed. I would get angry, but he would make me feel like I was the crazy one. Instead of talking about things, he would storm out. When I challenged him about the women, demanding that he block them from contact, he would get angry. On one occasion, he threw his cell phone at me. He then stormed towards me then stopped himself. It was very scary to see. I was so upset the next day that I was crying in my office at work. I had a friend who was a local sheriff's deputy. He had seen me and could tell I was upset. I told him what happened.
"Did he hit you?" he asked me. My friend seemed very angry, and I was afraid to get my ex in trouble.
"No. I'm okay. It was nothing."
That's the moment when I started to lie to myself, and continue to lie, over and over again. Thinking his bad behavior was my fault and minimizing what he was doing to me.
Sex started to change. It wasn't loving anymore. It started to become more animalistic. I thought it was just passion. If another man smiled at me, or looked at me, he became very angry. I didn't realize at the time that he was starting to view me as an object, rather than as a person. When it came to spending time with our friends, he would always tag along with me, but if he wanted to be alone and suddenly cancel our time together, then I was damned if I objected. Suddenly, I was the villain. Suddenly, I was the controlling one. Suddenly, I was the jealous one.
Every few years, agents must go through a background check. I remember when he told me that his background investigator wanted to speak to me.
"If you tell him anything that would ruin me or make me lose my job, I will make you miserable. We will be over. Do you understand?"
"Honey, why would I do that? I love you."
The investigator was very a kind man. He came to my workplace and sat down with me in the conference room of my office. Out of fear, I said some things that weren't exactly true.
He asked me about my ex's temper. "He doesn't have anything worse than the average road rage." I didn't tell him about the times he threatened me. I was scared, scared for myself, and scared to lose my ex. I didn't tell him about the fights my ex would get into with other people when we were out. On our first date, he almost got into a fist fight with a random man in the bathroom because the other man accidentally splashed water on him. I didn't tell him about how my ex had been thrown out of a bar because he and his other federal agent friend got into a fight with another pair of men. I didn't tell him about how my ex and his friend would pick on college boys at other local bars for fun to start fights. I didn't mention this violent streak at all. At the time, I was in denial about it. I hadn't thought twice about these incidents. In hindsight, his violent streak was there all along.
He asked me how his loyalty was. "He's a very loyal person. Very loyal." I didn't mention that I questioned my ex about five different women (and later on, two more would pop up). I didn't mention how he would hide his activities from me. I didn't mention how he would get angry with me if I challenged him at all. I didn't want to expose the problems in my relationship.
We fought more often because I felt like I wasn't being respected. I was trying to stand up for myself, for my dignity. I got angry. When we were drinking, he would turn into a different person. I wasn't myself with him. I became ugly, too. I remember threatening to call a policeman on him once for harassing me. We had been in a fight. I didn't mean it. I just wanted him to leave me alone because I was angry. Later on, when we talked about the fight, he told me that if I ever called the police on him, it would ruin both of our careers. Another scary situation that he mentioned was that we would both end up dead if I continued to fight with him. He compared us to a married couple that had been in the news. The husband shot the wife, then killed himself. My ex said that would be us.
The final breaking point in the relationship was discovering my ex's hidden social media account. I remember on the boat that I screamed at him, "You will never touch me again!" He never did.
He had been talking to numerous college girls behind my back. I couldn't stand it any more. We argued. He wanted to walk away from me, saying he was the one who needed time alone. When I asked him to stay, he told me that things would "break bad" if I didn't step away from him.
He apologized to me after a week, but I couldn't stand him touching me. We got into another fight because my trust was broken. He had started receiving text messages late at night. I got angry. We fought. He tried to storm out of my apartment. I stood in front of him. He pushed me inot the wall, and he left. I cried. We broke up three days later.
I mourned him. I thought a part of me died. A couple of weeks later, I went into counseling. During the breakup, he told me I was the broken one. I was the twisted one. I needed to fix myself. I actually believed all of it. I thought I was a horrible person. I thought I had issues because the man that I loved was telling me that I was defective. He threw old arguments in my face.
After 10 months of counseling, I've learned the following things:
- I am a wonderful person. I am not broken. I am whole.
- I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
- It's okay for me to remember the positive and negative from a situation. The positive and negative help me to view things in their totality.
- What I went through was an abusive relationship, and I should not be ashamed of myself. Out of every situation is a learning lesson that I can take with me in the future.
- I should never forget to love myself, and I should never forget my family and friends who love me, too.
Having my last counseling session today was bittersweet. My counselor was wonderful. I truly loved working with her. She guided me on a rough road of recovery. I am happy to release an old year of pain and say hello to a new year of hope.
So here I am, the Single Beauty. I am beautiful and single.
